Ringing words

Its such a fine line between sanity and insanity. Have you experienced watching a perfectly normal human who suddenly lost his mind? Well, I have, perhaps on more than 1 occasion. Which comes to mind that I may be next.

After that conversation with my used-to-be-close friend last week, I was very busy trying to fight the inner demons inside me to get myself used to the harsh facts that my time is not here yet. And then the weekend arrived. Dragging my feet, I went out to meet a bunch of close friends whom we have kept in close contact for the past few years and also this used-to-be-close friend.

I was sat at the far end of the table from all the action of conversation which was great cos I was also fighting the Z monster.

Interestingly, their chit-chat content seems to be a repetition of what we chatted during the lunch we had. So I sat to listen to their varied views and kept munching on the desserts on the table. Some jokes were cracked and some time later, we all had to go off to various places and ended the meeting.

A day later, I got a series of nasty messages from this used-to-be-close friend. He had the misunderstanding that I got all our other friends to say the same thing as I did.

*SHOCKED*

Why would I do that?

What would I gain from doing that?

And HOW in the world can I manipulate 5 other adult minds? I'm not really a magician.

I know that the best advice in the world would sound like bad music to hardened ears. But to accuse another person of plotting against you is another matter.

Normally, I vent out these frustrations by asking everyone I know if this could be true, especially for those who were present. But I have also responded that I would not discuss about him to anyone. So I am fighting HARD to keep to my words.

I know that the accusations are false and unfounded. Yet, I cannot help but to hear those words ringing endlessly in my mind. I go to bed with them. I wake up with them.

Its sickening!

I need to drown them out with something more pleasant!

I'm getting it!

I've been feeling blue and bluer for the past few weeks. I kept wondering why, was it something I ate? Was it hormonal?

The retarded side of me finally caught up with the emotional side of me.

I got like 5 different people asking me about our baby making plans in the past week. All with good and kind intentions. And usually after I answer their question with, "we've been trying for almost 6yrs, I'm medically challenged with endometriosis...." They would usually follow by "how about trying this?...." Which is actually a very elementary methods in comparison with someone who has BEEN trying for almost 6yrs!

Its like asking a cancer patient if surgery/chemo/radio therapy would help them. Dun they realize that the patient themselves WOULD be the most concerned about their situation and therefore would have tried any ways necc.?

Occasionally, there'll be something innovative that comes along, I'm getting magazine cut ups about pregnancy, CHILD RAISING! Like hello!! I'm freaking barren, why in the world do I want to read about raising a child when I cannot even HAVE one??

I realized that all these questions are adding a toll on me, me fragile heart cannot take it.

When I get "asked", I feel as if I have failed as a woman to deliver what is primitively my role on earth. I feel as if I've done something wrong, committed a crime or something. Or as if I've not been doing enough.

If I were to seriously calculate the amount of time I've spend sitting in the clinic waiting for my turn to see the doc, I think it would be enough to take a trip round the world with it. If we want to calculate the amount of $ spent on it, it would be enough to pay for the trip round the world as well.

Was chatting with one used-to-be-close friend and telling him that we're trying alternative methods for trying to conceive naturally. And guess what was his response? "Huh? You are still trying ah?"

Woah, that hurt, really hurt. Like a million knives into my heart. What do you mean "still trying?" We have never stopped wanting our own child mind you! Its ok if you want to lead a care-free life without the burden of children, but me, I love kids, I love to be pregnant with our own kid, love to take care of them and watch them grow. Nurture them and share a life with them. And being a friend who has known me for 12years, I expect alot more than that "Huh? You are still trying ah?"

I'm so tired of been asked this same question.

I have a medical condition that causes terrible pain monthly.

I have a medical condition that makes it so challenging for me to give birth.

Is it not painful enough already? I get reminded every month of my condition, whether I like it or not. Do I need more concerns from people who barely know my pain to dig into the wound more?

I need some creative answers to shut people's mouth once and for all! Anyone with some good suggestions to share? Help me out of this agony!

50th Post here!

My my, what I thought would be a place where I vent out my frustrating "career" of trying to be a mother has became a place where quite a few passerby readers drop their list of websites and encouraging words. Thank You!

This is going to be the 2nd month where I'm going to try out TCM for my adenomyosis condition. I had wanted to go without pain killers for this cycle to see if there's going to be an increase in menstrual discomforts but too bad, I could not endure the discomforts enough to pull through the day. So I had to pop the pill.

Now I'm wondering if it is because of how my body is responding to the pill that is causing the adenomyosis condition! Because, about 6hrs after I pop the pill, the flow of menstrual blood simply slowed down! And this is supposed to be like the heaviest flow of the period! Strange don't you think?

There's so much to be understood about this condition, this body that I have and I'm learning to take care of it more and more.

For a person with great love for junk food, cold drinks (a liberty from my deprived childhood), snacks, instant noodles. The realization that I've not been taking good care of myself is a huge turn around. Although the changes are going to be tough, they are first need to be changed at the fundamental level. That is in my mind. I have to learn to mentally tell myself to eat more healthily, work out these muscles more too!

A healthy body = a happy body!

Happy thoughts always people... at least for as much as you can!