Adenomyosis = internal blood clots

TCM said that my adenomysis condition is considered as blood clots in their domain. So he gave me meds to help the body reabsorb the blood back into the system.

Sounds like an interesting approach. Here's the list of meds prescribed. Do Not Take this without any TCM guidance!

What Cuts You Deep?

I dun think all the pain in the world, all the knives that has cut my tiny body can amount to the pain that hurtful words from family can give me.

It hurts to feel that family dun really care. To reach this state, either I'm really demanding for affection, or I'm disillusioned with only negative thoughts or things are really pretty shitty.

Being me, I chose the latter, makes my unhappiness a little more justified hee.

I remember begging my bro to bring me out when I was little, which only accompanied by his rejections.

I remember sis bringing us to movies during the holidays but always with cousins as well. So it wasn't for me and me alone. We hardly have any conversations at home, age gap, different schedules or simple hatred for me seems to be the constant barrier.

Its not my fault that I'm born the youngest. Its not my fault that my dad feels that its a more complete family with me, so he pressured my mum into having me. If not, I wont be known to this world. And this fact bugged all my other siblings deeply because it possibly made them feel that they are NOT enough for my dad. Was it MY fault?

Its not my fault that my family was really penniless when my siblings were young, things got really much better when I was born. New house, more space for everyone. Seems as if I get to enjoy all the luxuries. I was lucky, very fortunate indeed to be born into the family at such a good timing. But I did not plan for it, neither did I caused all the sufferings before I was born!

I never got a "Happy Birthday sis". I never got a "Merry Christmas sis". I never got a "hey, I thought about you sis" call nor message.

I envy all those other siblings that are so close, they can share their lives together, understand each other's needs, differences, dreams and joke around. I admire the great extent of their love for each other to make changes to their own plans so that they can fit in changes for their siblings. I long for a family that is loving, kind and sharing.

Its like I want to build a strong, beautiful house without a blueprint, without an architect. Its a dream without ladders. I have NO samples to follow after! Plus, the characters that of the family members that I have, its so colorful that its pretty challenging.

Should I even bother at all?

But I dun want to live to regret that I din do my best. *bleah*

Dunno when I stopped wishing/thinking...

Maybe its just easier not to think about being a real mother to a child. I dunno when I've stopped thinking about it, wishing that it'll happened. All these years of disappointments don't seems to give some good Yes answers. So it feels easier to just stop wishing/thinking/hoping.

Nonetheless, the medical appointments have to follow because I still would like to be healthy.

We did some hardcore research and based on some reviews online + friends, we found another gynea to give a 2nd opinion of my Endometriosis streaked ovary. By the time I described my 4th operation, he was running out of space on his paper and also have a pretty sad look on his face. He was really kind and sympathetic, he asked how I dealt with so many surgeries and told me that it must be tough to be fighting this condition for so long. Its great to have a doc that actually relates to a medical condition that seems so foreign to many and so insignificant to others. I thought I was disillusioned about the pain that I was dealing with. So, it is a BIG deal afterall!

I asked if there was a test of some sort that I can take to determine if I still have viable eggs left in my poor ovary. This question has been boggling on my mind for a really long time. I dun seems to see positive ovulation for a really long time. Doesn't show up on the stick. No sticky pus. No sudden surge in body temperature. In fact, the more I measure, the more warp the temperatures get. Its like someone playing a very painful prank on me! Or my thermometer....

Thankfully there was indeed a test for that! We learnt in Biology class that we girls have a finite number of eggs in our ovary that we are born with. While guys can manufacture millions of new sperms everyday! Aren't they lucky?

Results will be out next week. I really just want some answers. I am tired of waiting endlessly at the waiting rooms of clinics. I'm tired of spending my savings on meds, injections, scans, docs visits. I'm tired of being asked when we'll be having kids. I'm tired of having to face this SAME giant obstacle. I really want to get past it.

If not physically clearing it, at least mentally. I need mental injection of Red Bull, something that will last for a couple of years at least. :D