2years on...

Its been 18months since our failed attempt to conceive artificially in a lab. Over this time, we've heard numerous success stories of IVF, TCM, pills, etc etc

Initially, these happy news kinda dampen our spirits, my hubby being the passive one, would chose to hide his feelings. At times, I would mistake that quietness as a sign of bo-chapness. His subtle display of care and concern can be swept under the blankets of disappointments, pain and unhappiness. At times, I would wish that he could scream or cry out loud along with me, so that I wont feel so alone, as if I'm the only one at battle with our desires.

Then these news became numbed to me. Its just another happy news, I wont let my current failure spoil the joyous mood. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it doesnt. There are times when I wondered how did this happen? I dun smoke, I dun drink excessively, I dun do dangerous stunts and yet others who fulfill all these criteria are popping like rabbits.

Then, I stop wondering and just keep going.... going for regular check ups, going for more TCM sessions. Even the TCM is having trouble flipping through the thick stacks of records, wondering why it is not working, why does this couple keep coming back for more TCM? SIGH.... seems like they also have given up hope on me. me and my lousy reproductive system.

Then I took a closer look at those families with young children. On good days, the kid wake up smiling and greets everyone in the family, laughs alot and went along with what is planned for them. On bad days (which can be pretty often), they say NO to everything that you would like them to do, run away from the bathroom, piss on themselves countless on times, screams at you and everything that moves, jumps up and down on beds, tables, chairs, climbs grilles and do all sorts of dangerous moves at home that can be fatal. And I wonder to myself, do I really really WANT all this??

Hence the comfort sets in that we really do have everything that we need or want within our reach. We ought to be grateful for it. We have the luxury of time and energy now to spend it all on ourselves. So why not use this time to do something that is really fulfilling? Let the others fall into place...