A sad sad confirmation
Last week, I finally went to collect the blood test report for hormonal levels in my blood that would reflect the quantity of viable eggs in my ovary.
Took the test 3 months ago along with the change in gynae. I figured that if the clinic did not call me, there should be no bad news.
I only went back 3 months later to see the gynae again to check if the TCM has worked magic on my adenomyosis condition. Previously, it was almost twice the size of a normal womb. Praying that the TCM that I've been taking every month after my period for the past 3 months has worked magic on my overly large womb stuck with clot blood. I have been seeing much more blood clots being discharge at each of the 3 cycles while I'm on the TCM. A good sign perhaps?
Well, the good news is, my womb did "appear" to be smaller now than before. Not sure if its due the a different part of the cycle that was being measured. Wont the gynae be sensitive to the changes in the size of the womb due to the different part of the menstrual cycle? hmm.... well, he did NOT mentioned if it was related, but showed delight that it did appear smaller on his ultrasound machine. Even asked for the "ingredient" of the TCM that I was taking. I had to assure him that it'll be different for everyone and it is indeed different contents each time I visit them. So how can I act irresponsibly by giving him 1 "recipe" without informing him right?
Ok, here's the crunch.
My blood test results shows that all 3 of the female-responsible hormones are at much higher levels than ladies my age. Which means, my body is OLDER than my real age and its moving towards menopause. A term called peri-menopause!
That explains so many things!
The occasional hot flushes.
The dryness on my skin.
The constant thirst for water.
The unexplainable insomnia.
The constant need to pick myself out of a mild depression.
The forgetfulness.
The lack of enthusiasm.
Doc said that I might need to go into Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT) in a few years if the blood results dun improve to prevent me from having menopause in my mid 30s.
Can you believe that?
I cannot.
Sorry, I simply cannot believe that it is happening to me.
Do you realize what it means to me?
It means that my quest to have a child of our own is now even tougher!
Not only do I likely to not have sufficient good eggs for the rest of my life, the chances of having a miscarriage is so much higher too! Imagine a body that is trying to go into resting state for the womb, if you try to stick an embryo in it, high chances are that the embryo will be rejected! Because the body is saying, I'm going into retirement!
I was near bursting into tears when I left the doc's clinic.
But I had to hang around to wait for the nurse to be available to take blood to check the trends of the hormones from me.
Luckily, there was no space for me to sit in the main area and I hanged around in the corridor alone and trying to silently wipe away my tears as inconspicuously as I can.
Let's try not to forget that this is a gynae clinic. I'm practically surrounded by women who HAVE babies inside them. Looking at their bulging tummies, I felt as if I would never get there. Ever. Not in this life time.
My sis asked me WHY do I want to have children.
I cannot think of anything noble in response.
I just want to be a mother to a child. To experience pregnancy, motherhood. Is that too childish?
I've learnt so many things about children, about how to bring them up, how to care for them through my life. I just want that chance to try it out for myself.
I just want to love a child with all my heart, watch him/her grow, protect him/her, guide him/her, provide life skills. Is that very silly?
I knew that I simply cannot take the train home without the fellow commuters think that I've got crazy. So I jumped into a cab to go home.
There was a brief moment of relieve in the cab when I can feel the Holy Spirit comforting me, saying that its good that I'm aware now. It will save us alot of running around in circles in the future if we were to attempt IVF again. Now at least we know why our first IVF failed so miserably. Its like the blood test answered ALL our questions.
It was the first time I cried screaming in the shower, it was so painful. So hard to accept.
I'm so sad sad sad by the blood test result.
Should I just move on with my life and stop obsessing about being a mother of my own?
Took the test 3 months ago along with the change in gynae. I figured that if the clinic did not call me, there should be no bad news.
I only went back 3 months later to see the gynae again to check if the TCM has worked magic on my adenomyosis condition. Previously, it was almost twice the size of a normal womb. Praying that the TCM that I've been taking every month after my period for the past 3 months has worked magic on my overly large womb stuck with clot blood. I have been seeing much more blood clots being discharge at each of the 3 cycles while I'm on the TCM. A good sign perhaps?
Well, the good news is, my womb did "appear" to be smaller now than before. Not sure if its due the a different part of the cycle that was being measured. Wont the gynae be sensitive to the changes in the size of the womb due to the different part of the menstrual cycle? hmm.... well, he did NOT mentioned if it was related, but showed delight that it did appear smaller on his ultrasound machine. Even asked for the "ingredient" of the TCM that I was taking. I had to assure him that it'll be different for everyone and it is indeed different contents each time I visit them. So how can I act irresponsibly by giving him 1 "recipe" without informing him right?
Ok, here's the crunch.
My blood test results shows that all 3 of the female-responsible hormones are at much higher levels than ladies my age. Which means, my body is OLDER than my real age and its moving towards menopause. A term called peri-menopause!
That explains so many things!
The occasional hot flushes.
The dryness on my skin.
The constant thirst for water.
The unexplainable insomnia.
The constant need to pick myself out of a mild depression.
The forgetfulness.
The lack of enthusiasm.
Doc said that I might need to go into Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT) in a few years if the blood results dun improve to prevent me from having menopause in my mid 30s.
Can you believe that?
I cannot.
Sorry, I simply cannot believe that it is happening to me.
Do you realize what it means to me?
It means that my quest to have a child of our own is now even tougher!
Not only do I likely to not have sufficient good eggs for the rest of my life, the chances of having a miscarriage is so much higher too! Imagine a body that is trying to go into resting state for the womb, if you try to stick an embryo in it, high chances are that the embryo will be rejected! Because the body is saying, I'm going into retirement!
I was near bursting into tears when I left the doc's clinic.
But I had to hang around to wait for the nurse to be available to take blood to check the trends of the hormones from me.
Luckily, there was no space for me to sit in the main area and I hanged around in the corridor alone and trying to silently wipe away my tears as inconspicuously as I can.
Let's try not to forget that this is a gynae clinic. I'm practically surrounded by women who HAVE babies inside them. Looking at their bulging tummies, I felt as if I would never get there. Ever. Not in this life time.
My sis asked me WHY do I want to have children.
I cannot think of anything noble in response.
I just want to be a mother to a child. To experience pregnancy, motherhood. Is that too childish?
I've learnt so many things about children, about how to bring them up, how to care for them through my life. I just want that chance to try it out for myself.
I just want to love a child with all my heart, watch him/her grow, protect him/her, guide him/her, provide life skills. Is that very silly?
I knew that I simply cannot take the train home without the fellow commuters think that I've got crazy. So I jumped into a cab to go home.
There was a brief moment of relieve in the cab when I can feel the Holy Spirit comforting me, saying that its good that I'm aware now. It will save us alot of running around in circles in the future if we were to attempt IVF again. Now at least we know why our first IVF failed so miserably. Its like the blood test answered ALL our questions.
It was the first time I cried screaming in the shower, it was so painful. So hard to accept.
I'm so sad sad sad by the blood test result.
Should I just move on with my life and stop obsessing about being a mother of my own?
Labels: high E2, high FSH, high LH, peri-menopause
posted by Jen | 11:24 AM
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