Trusting God when I don't understand

Its hard to trust someone or something that you cannot quite see can you?

My 1st encounter with Christ was in a very charismatic set up, after the usual ra-ra to get new comers to a corner. I was sat face to face with a firm evangelist. She told me that I can trust Jesus with 101% of my life. If I was on the edge of a cliff, all I need to do is reach out and call out to Christ and He'll be there to save me. She asked me if I was ready to jump off the cliff. I stared at her with disbelief. Christ as my saviour was such a novel concept, I barely knew Him. How can I trust someone whom I do not know with my life?

After a long journey of meeting Christ and journeying in His love, I've come to know Him and the wonders He does for me. I got my baptism without family objections (coming from a gigantic ancestral family of taoism believers, this was a miracle). The enormous sense of love that I've felt during our wedding was phenomena. I was deeply touched by the Holy Spirit. Yes, I can feel Him. And I'm so grateful. Whenever I meet a challenging situation in our marriage, I'll recall that beautiful day when we celebrate our covenant with God as our witness. I am comforted that God is the one in charge, He will turn situations into learning points. He will be the one who decides how our future will be and He will never let us down. And all the toughness of the situation will just melt away.

For those who have been following this blog, I've been challenged medically & physically. We've been trying to have our own child for the past 6 years of our marriage. Yet, only till now then I truly know that I can rely on God's great love and plans for us, for our future, only He knows best what's good for us.

There were many occasions when my rational mind asks "why?"

But its only truly till now that I can let go of my rational mind and trust in God to take care of me. He knows the best for me. And I've learnt to trust God when I don't understand. And still learning.

Thank you God for your love for me. Thank you for loving me despite my ignorance, my foolishness, my stubbornness. Thank you for showing me time and time again how much you love me. Thank you for giving me life's greatest cushions (friends) to me. For with their humanly support, I can be a better person as I learn to be more like Christ. Thank you for building all the learning steps for me. I love you God.


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Sunday, March 07, 2010
Trusting God when I don't understand
by Rick Warren
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
When the children of Israel were finally set free from Egypt after 400 years of slavery, they started marching out to freedom and the first thing they came to was the Red Sea. There were impassable mountain ranges on two sides of them, the sea in front of them.

Behind them, in hot pursuit, was the Egyptian army because the Pharaoh had changed his mind about letting them go. The path before the Israelites looked like a dead end.

But God knew exactly what He wanted to do. He had not made a mistake. He could see what they could not see. He opened the Red Sea and they walked through to safety. Years later, the Israelites looked back and sang, "Your road led by a pathway through the sea—a pathway no one knew was there!" (Psalm 77:19 LB).

You may be facing a dead end right now—financial, emotional, relational—but God can see a path that you don't know about. If you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don't see a way, He will make a way.

It will become more understandable as you head down the path he sets before you, but understanding is not a requirement for you to start down the path. Proverbs 4:18 says, "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter till the full light of day" (NIV). One day you will stand in the full light of eternity and view the big picture. You'll see God's purpose behind the path He specifically chose for you.

What do I do in the meantime? You do what Proverbs 3 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." What does He mean "don't lean on your own understanding"? You don't need to try to figure it out. In truth, you're not going to understand most of the things that happen in your life until you get to heaven.

Be patient. God knows what He's doing. God knows what's best for you. He can see the end result. You can't. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays -- all the things that make you ask "why" -- one day it will all be clear in the light of God's love.

But for now, we're learning to trust God.

Why am I Bothered?

Different people have different ways of handling different situations.

Some prefer to run away, some prefer to face them head on.

I belong to the latter group, while I seems to be surrounded by people belonging to the former group.

Does it mean that if a nasty experience between two persons never gets mentioned nor brought up again, things can get back to the way they were?

I dun believe so, at least it doesn't work that way for me.

More than 6 months ago, I had a nasty encounter with a used-to-be close friend. It was so nasty because there was nothing I can do to convince him that I had nothing to do with his misunderstanding of me. It was nasty to be misunderstood, to be accused of an action which I never did nor will do. It was nasty because it came from a used-to-be close friend. If it was an acquaintance, perhaps I can understand that that person dun really understand me well enough to know that I can never hurt another person that way. It was terribly nasty because the accusation did not stop at one or two or three messages. It came fast & furious in greater numbers.

After the 2nd nasty sms, I decided to have a neutral response to not spin the relationship any worse than it already was in. I thought that a cooling period was a good idea to let each of us reflect on what could have been mis-interpreted.

But no, that was not enough and the nasty messages kept coming, regardless of how much I try to reconcile. This person was not listening. It became evident that I was not good enough for him as a his friend. Alot of nasty accusations came out to tell me that I'm simply NOT good enough.

So I accepted things that way. Since I cannot convince him that I've not done what he accused me of. And since I've not been a friend to him in his way.

I prayed hard and often, I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to reconcile asap. To trash all the unhappiness away instead of letting them fester. Not wanting to push this person further away, I used a softer approach, I emailed him with very short and precise messages to ask him out for reconciliation at his own time.

Months later, there were still no response from him. So I decided to pluck up my courage to call him. Against all my discomforts, not knowing how the conversation will turn out to be. I wanted to listen to the Holy Spirit to mend this broken bridge. Sadly, this friend's response was, he was not ready to face me one to one. Group ok.

I'm not sure what does this mean. I have never been in this situation before.

Am I that fearful? Ha ha

So months later, in a group-party, I dare not even talk to him one-one because I'm not sure if that constituent facing me alone!
Such awkwardness.

Another few weeks had passed and I decided to organize another group gathering, nope, he did not respond to my 1st invite. Not giving up, I re-send my invitation, this time with a "I dunno if I can make it" reply. Fine. So on that day itself, I had to re-invite again. At least this time, I got a definite "Sorry I'm not coming" reply.

Honest to God, I believed I've tried beyond my comfort zones to close the gap.

But I cannot do this alone.

Why am I so bothered? Because when this person needs help or prayers, he will request for it. Not once but multiple times!

MAN!

I remembered the last time he went on a risky overseas work trip and I was so terribly worried that I prayed so hard till I was shaken in tears. Our church friends was wondering what had happened to me. i was just so worried and wanted him to be protected. That was all.

Thankfully, he returned safely from his trip. During which he said that he felt that he had special protection by the Holy Spirit thanks to the prayers from everyone of us. I said a huge prayer of thanks too upon hearing that. Indeed it was a testimonial of how powerful our prayers can be.

Years later, this friend forgot about the prayers but faulted me for not remembering the dates accurately for his risky assignment.

I was hurt. Very hurt.

I was convinced that when someone don't really like you, they'll pick up the smallest, the most insignificant things about you to be used as bullets against you.

Is there such a need? Between two human beings? Let alone between two believers in God?

Today, after he has made multiple requests for prayers & loaded my inbox with unnecessary information, I am trying to wonder if I'm considered a friend or not.

I feel disgusted to be treated like this, I'm a friend when I'm needed. I'm a nobody or worse a busybody when he needs someone to vent out his frustrations.

This person has created too much negative energy in me. I think it could be time to let him go.

Myths & Misconceptions with Endometriosis

Wow, I've learnt something new today!!

I've learnt that the myth about Endometriosis only occurs in women in their 30s or 40s is not true! It was due to the fact that in the olden days before laparoscopy was available, large open surgeries were discouraged amongst younger patients. So they only cut up older women, hence, the belief (with surgical "prove") that Endometriosis only occurs in older women!

After the proliferation of laparoscopy, it became convenient to operate on more women of younger ages, more cases of younger women with Endometriosis were identified. Thus showing another myth that an increased in younger women that were affected by it!

What a double wrong!

For the past 12 years, I thought that my body was older than ME. Because I had a condition that was MEANT for older women.

Aiyah, how wrong I was and even MORE so with the gyneas that tells me so!

SEE, we can never never know everything about our body. Even when its our own. Even when doctors study decades to be specialists, they can never be fully in control of an intricately designed body.

So please do NOT believe 100% of what doctors tell you.

And always always have a 2nd opinion!

more information can be found on the Endometriosis.org website

Getting sensitive or getting numbed?

I cannot figure if the "truth" & facts are finally dawning onto me. Or that I'm still struggling with the "unfairness" of my situation.

There are days when I stopped looking toward building our own family because the chances seems so slim. Its probably easier to strike TOTO first prize then for it to happen.

Then when people asked, teased us about setting up our family. All the emotions of having to tell them surfs to the surface of my emotions. Yes, I still do feel left out. I feel left behind in this world where everyone, almost everyone feels that its natural to set up a family after a few years of marriage. I want to too! I have been wanting that since a young adult before marriage! But it does seems like it wont happen to me.

I feel its soooo unfair, where others take it for granted, while I prayed, worked, spent years with doctors on this and yet, I'm still like on the same spot. Never moved forward a single bit. While others makes it look so easy to just have a family when they want to. *BLEAH*

I feel scared too. I'm scared out of the shit of meself.

I know that God provides. He has provided before and is still providing.

Am I praying for the wrong thing? Or wrong way? Or or or or or or or.....

The million of questions will continue to linger on until we get a clear clear clear clear word from the big guy up there.

Coming to terms

okay, I just got news that another gf is pregnant. I'm happy for her n hubby. Just a little be disappointed.

Maybe its getting numbed cos the disappointment or shock din last more than 1sec.

Now waiting for the rest of those who are not married to get married and then get pregnant and deliver theirs...
Maybe more fun to guess who will be next!

*bleah*

God, are you listening to me? Am I too quiet to your sweet ears?

A sad sad confirmation

Last week, I finally went to collect the blood test report for hormonal levels in my blood that would reflect the quantity of viable eggs in my ovary.

Took the test 3 months ago along with the change in gynae. I figured that if the clinic did not call me, there should be no bad news.

I only went back 3 months later to see the gynae again to check if the TCM has worked magic on my adenomyosis condition. Previously, it was almost twice the size of a normal womb. Praying that the TCM that I've been taking every month after my period for the past 3 months has worked magic on my overly large womb stuck with clot blood. I have been seeing much more blood clots being discharge at each of the 3 cycles while I'm on the TCM. A good sign perhaps?

Well, the good news is, my womb did "appear" to be smaller now than before. Not sure if its due the a different part of the cycle that was being measured. Wont the gynae be sensitive to the changes in the size of the womb due to the different part of the menstrual cycle? hmm.... well, he did NOT mentioned if it was related, but showed delight that it did appear smaller on his ultrasound machine. Even asked for the "ingredient" of the TCM that I was taking. I had to assure him that it'll be different for everyone and it is indeed different contents each time I visit them. So how can I act irresponsibly by giving him 1 "recipe" without informing him right?

Ok, here's the crunch.

My blood test results shows that all 3 of the female-responsible hormones are at much higher levels than ladies my age. Which means, my body is OLDER than my real age and its moving towards menopause. A term called peri-menopause!

That explains so many things!

The occasional hot flushes.

The dryness on my skin.

The constant thirst for water.

The unexplainable insomnia.

The constant need to pick myself out of a mild depression.

The forgetfulness.

The lack of enthusiasm.

Doc said that I might need to go into Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT) in a few years if the blood results dun improve to prevent me from having menopause in my mid 30s.

Can you believe that?

I cannot.

Sorry, I simply cannot believe that it is happening to me.

Do you realize what it means to me?

It means that my quest to have a child of our own is now even tougher!

Not only do I likely to not have sufficient good eggs for the rest of my life, the chances of having a miscarriage is so much higher too! Imagine a body that is trying to go into resting state for the womb, if you try to stick an embryo in it, high chances are that the embryo will be rejected! Because the body is saying, I'm going into retirement!

I was near bursting into tears when I left the doc's clinic.

But I had to hang around to wait for the nurse to be available to take blood to check the trends of the hormones from me.

Luckily, there was no space for me to sit in the main area and I hanged around in the corridor alone and trying to silently wipe away my tears as inconspicuously as I can.

Let's try not to forget that this is a gynae clinic. I'm practically surrounded by women who HAVE babies inside them. Looking at their bulging tummies, I felt as if I would never get there. Ever. Not in this life time.

My sis asked me WHY do I want to have children.

I cannot think of anything noble in response.

I just want to be a mother to a child. To experience pregnancy, motherhood. Is that too childish?

I've learnt so many things about children, about how to bring them up, how to care for them through my life. I just want that chance to try it out for myself.

I just want to love a child with all my heart, watch him/her grow, protect him/her, guide him/her, provide life skills. Is that very silly?

I knew that I simply cannot take the train home without the fellow commuters think that I've got crazy. So I jumped into a cab to go home.

There was a brief moment of relieve in the cab when I can feel the Holy Spirit comforting me, saying that its good that I'm aware now. It will save us alot of running around in circles in the future if we were to attempt IVF again. Now at least we know why our first IVF failed so miserably. Its like the blood test answered ALL our questions.

It was the first time I cried screaming in the shower, it was so painful. So hard to accept.

I'm so sad sad sad by the blood test result.

Should I just move on with my life and stop obsessing about being a mother of my own?

A brief stroke of motherhood

I had the most amazing moment yesterday in church while carrying one of my friend's kid. While we were worshipping, she leaned her soft head onto my cheeks.

That physical connection between us felt so unbelievably amazing. I held her tiny fingers in my hands and we swung to the wondrous music together.

I cannot explain the emotions that jolted through my body but it did felt like I've been touched by a brief stroke of motherhood. Is this how mothers feel like when their little ones lean on them in complete trust?

What a wonderful experience I had, this was the closest I've ever felt to being a real mother to a child. Not forgetting all the diaper duties, milk making sessions that I've had before. If this is the only opportunity that I had with experiencing motherhood, I would not wanna forget this experience for the rest of my life.

hmmmmm.... simply lovely!

Thank you God! For giving me a glimpse of what it felt like, to hold and protect a young soul in my arms, to sing with joy from my heart, to love unconditionally.