Dunno when I stopped wishing/thinking...

Maybe its just easier not to think about being a real mother to a child. I dunno when I've stopped thinking about it, wishing that it'll happened. All these years of disappointments don't seems to give some good Yes answers. So it feels easier to just stop wishing/thinking/hoping.

Nonetheless, the medical appointments have to follow because I still would like to be healthy.

We did some hardcore research and based on some reviews online + friends, we found another gynea to give a 2nd opinion of my Endometriosis streaked ovary. By the time I described my 4th operation, he was running out of space on his paper and also have a pretty sad look on his face. He was really kind and sympathetic, he asked how I dealt with so many surgeries and told me that it must be tough to be fighting this condition for so long. Its great to have a doc that actually relates to a medical condition that seems so foreign to many and so insignificant to others. I thought I was disillusioned about the pain that I was dealing with. So, it is a BIG deal afterall!

I asked if there was a test of some sort that I can take to determine if I still have viable eggs left in my poor ovary. This question has been boggling on my mind for a really long time. I dun seems to see positive ovulation for a really long time. Doesn't show up on the stick. No sticky pus. No sudden surge in body temperature. In fact, the more I measure, the more warp the temperatures get. Its like someone playing a very painful prank on me! Or my thermometer....

Thankfully there was indeed a test for that! We learnt in Biology class that we girls have a finite number of eggs in our ovary that we are born with. While guys can manufacture millions of new sperms everyday! Aren't they lucky?

Results will be out next week. I really just want some answers. I am tired of waiting endlessly at the waiting rooms of clinics. I'm tired of spending my savings on meds, injections, scans, docs visits. I'm tired of being asked when we'll be having kids. I'm tired of having to face this SAME giant obstacle. I really want to get past it.

If not physically clearing it, at least mentally. I need mental injection of Red Bull, something that will last for a couple of years at least. :D