What Cuts You Deep?
I dun think all the pain in the world, all the knives that has cut my tiny body can amount to the pain that hurtful words from family can give me.
It hurts to feel that family dun really care. To reach this state, either I'm really demanding for affection, or I'm disillusioned with only negative thoughts or things are really pretty shitty.
Being me, I chose the latter, makes my unhappiness a little more justified hee.
I remember begging my bro to bring me out when I was little, which only accompanied by his rejections.
I remember sis bringing us to movies during the holidays but always with cousins as well. So it wasn't for me and me alone. We hardly have any conversations at home, age gap, different schedules or simple hatred for me seems to be the constant barrier.
Its not my fault that I'm born the youngest. Its not my fault that my dad feels that its a more complete family with me, so he pressured my mum into having me. If not, I wont be known to this world. And this fact bugged all my other siblings deeply because it possibly made them feel that they are NOT enough for my dad. Was it MY fault?
Its not my fault that my family was really penniless when my siblings were young, things got really much better when I was born. New house, more space for everyone. Seems as if I get to enjoy all the luxuries. I was lucky, very fortunate indeed to be born into the family at such a good timing. But I did not plan for it, neither did I caused all the sufferings before I was born!
I never got a "Happy Birthday sis". I never got a "Merry Christmas sis". I never got a "hey, I thought about you sis" call nor message.
I envy all those other siblings that are so close, they can share their lives together, understand each other's needs, differences, dreams and joke around. I admire the great extent of their love for each other to make changes to their own plans so that they can fit in changes for their siblings. I long for a family that is loving, kind and sharing.
Its like I want to build a strong, beautiful house without a blueprint, without an architect. Its a dream without ladders. I have NO samples to follow after! Plus, the characters that of the family members that I have, its so colorful that its pretty challenging.
Should I even bother at all?
But I dun want to live to regret that I din do my best. *bleah*
It hurts to feel that family dun really care. To reach this state, either I'm really demanding for affection, or I'm disillusioned with only negative thoughts or things are really pretty shitty.
Being me, I chose the latter, makes my unhappiness a little more justified hee.
I remember begging my bro to bring me out when I was little, which only accompanied by his rejections.
I remember sis bringing us to movies during the holidays but always with cousins as well. So it wasn't for me and me alone. We hardly have any conversations at home, age gap, different schedules or simple hatred for me seems to be the constant barrier.
Its not my fault that I'm born the youngest. Its not my fault that my dad feels that its a more complete family with me, so he pressured my mum into having me. If not, I wont be known to this world. And this fact bugged all my other siblings deeply because it possibly made them feel that they are NOT enough for my dad. Was it MY fault?
Its not my fault that my family was really penniless when my siblings were young, things got really much better when I was born. New house, more space for everyone. Seems as if I get to enjoy all the luxuries. I was lucky, very fortunate indeed to be born into the family at such a good timing. But I did not plan for it, neither did I caused all the sufferings before I was born!
I never got a "Happy Birthday sis". I never got a "Merry Christmas sis". I never got a "hey, I thought about you sis" call nor message.
I envy all those other siblings that are so close, they can share their lives together, understand each other's needs, differences, dreams and joke around. I admire the great extent of their love for each other to make changes to their own plans so that they can fit in changes for their siblings. I long for a family that is loving, kind and sharing.
Its like I want to build a strong, beautiful house without a blueprint, without an architect. Its a dream without ladders. I have NO samples to follow after! Plus, the characters that of the family members that I have, its so colorful that its pretty challenging.
Should I even bother at all?
But I dun want to live to regret that I din do my best. *bleah*
Labels: family
posted by Jen | 2:45 AM
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