Diary of a Woman with Endometriosis

Trusting God when I don't understand

2010-03-07T22:04:00.006+08:00

Its hard to trust someone or something that you cannot quite see can you?

My 1st encounter with Christ was in a very charismatic set up, after the usual ra-ra to get new comers to a corner. I was sat face to face with a firm evangelist. She told me that I can trust Jesus with 101% of my life. If I was on the edge of a cliff, all I need to do is reach out and call out to Christ and He'll be there to save me. She asked me if I was ready to jump off the cliff. I stared at her with disbelief. Christ as my saviour was such a novel concept, I barely knew Him. How can I trust someone whom I do not know with my life?

After a long journey of meeting Christ and journeying in His love, I've come to know Him and the wonders He does for me. I got my baptism without family objections (coming from a gigantic ancestral family of taoism believers, this was a miracle). The enormous sense of love that I've felt during our wedding was phenomena. I was deeply touched by the Holy Spirit. Yes, I can feel Him. And I'm so grateful. Whenever I meet a challenging situation in our marriage, I'll recall that beautiful day when we celebrate our covenant with God as our witness. I am comforted that God is the one in charge, He will turn situations into learning points. He will be the one who decides how our future will be and He will never let us down. And all the toughness of the situation will just melt away.

For those who have been following this blog, I've been challenged medically & physically. We've been trying to have our own child for the past 6 years of our marriage. Yet, only till now then I truly know that I can rely on God's great love and plans for us, for our future, only He knows best what's good for us.

There were many occasions when my rational mind asks "why?"

But its only truly till now that I can let go of my rational mind and trust in God to take care of me. He knows the best for me. And I've learnt to trust God when I don't understand. And still learning.

Thank you God for your love for me. Thank you for loving me despite my ignorance, my foolishness, my stubbornness. Thank you for showing me time and time again how much you love me. Thank you for giving me life's greatest cushions (friends) to me. For with their humanly support, I can be a better person as I learn to be more like Christ. Thank you for building all the learning steps for me. I love you God.

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Sunday, March 07, 2010
Trusting God when I don't understand
by Rick Warren
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
When the children of Israel were finally set free from Egypt after 400 years of slavery, they started marching out to freedom and the first thing they came to was the Red Sea. There were impassable mountain ranges on two sides of them, the sea in front of them.

Behind them, in hot pursuit, was the Egyptian army because the Pharaoh had changed his mind about letting them go. The path before the Israelites looked like a dead end.

But God knew exactly what He wanted to do. He had not made a mistake. He could see what they could not see. He opened the Red Sea and they walked through to safety. Years later, the Israelites looked back and sang, "Your road led by a pathway through the sea—a pathway no one knew was there!" (Psalm 77:19 LB).

You may be facing a dead end right now—financial, emotional, relational—but God can see a path that you don't know about. If you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don't see a way, He will make a way.

It will become more understandable as you head down the path he sets before you, but understanding is not a requirement for you to start down the path. Proverbs 4:18 says, "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter till the full light of day" (NIV). One day you will stand in the full light of eternity and view the big picture. You'll see God's purpose behind the path He specifically chose for you.

What do I do in the meantime? You do what Proverbs 3 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." What does He mean "don't lean on your own understanding"? You don't need to try to figure it out. In truth, you're not going to understand most of the things that happen in your life until you get to heaven.

Be patient. God knows what He's doing. God knows what's best for you. He can see the end result. You can't. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays -- all the things that make you ask "why" -- one day it will all be clear in the light of God's love.

But for now, we're learning to trust God.

Why am I Bothered?

2010-01-29T13:14:00.003+08:00

Different people have different ways of handling different situations.

Some prefer to run away, some prefer to face them head on.

I belong to the latter group, while I seems to be surrounded by people belonging to the former group.

Does it mean that if a nasty experience between two persons never gets mentioned nor brought up again, things can get back to the way they were?

I dun believe so, at least it doesn't work that way for me.

More than 6 months ago, I had a nasty encounter with a used-to-be close friend. It was so nasty because there was nothing I can do to convince him that I had nothing to do with his misunderstanding of me. It was nasty to be misunderstood, to be accused of an action which I never did nor will do. It was nasty because it came from a used-to-be close friend. If it was an acquaintance, perhaps I can understand that that person dun really understand me well enough to know that I can never hurt another person that way. It was terribly nasty because the accusation did not stop at one or two or three messages. It came fast & furious in greater numbers.

After the 2nd nasty sms, I decided to have a neutral response to not spin the relationship any worse than it already was in. I thought that a cooling period was a good idea to let each of us reflect on what could have been mis-interpreted.

But no, that was not enough and the nasty messages kept coming, regardless of how much I try to reconcile. This person was not listening. It became evident that I was not good enough for him as a his friend. Alot of nasty accusations came out to tell me that I'm simply NOT good enough.

So I accepted things that way. Since I cannot convince him that I've not done what he accused me of. And since I've not been a friend to him in his way.

I prayed hard and often, I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to reconcile asap. To trash all the unhappiness away instead of letting them fester. Not wanting to push this person further away, I used a softer approach, I emailed him with very short and precise messages to ask him out for reconciliation at his own time.

Months later, there were still no response from him. So I decided to pluck up my courage to call him. Against all my discomforts, not knowing how the conversation will turn out to be. I wanted to listen to the Holy Spirit to mend this broken bridge. Sadly, this friend's response was, he was not ready to face me one to one. Group ok.

I'm not sure what does this mean. I have never been in this situation before.

Am I that fearful? Ha ha

So months later, in a group-party, I dare not even talk to him one-one because I'm not sure if that constituent facing me alone!
Such awkwardness.

Another few weeks had passed and I decided to organize another group gathering, nope, he did not respond to my 1st invite. Not giving up, I re-send my invitation, this time with a "I dunno if I can make it" reply. Fine. So on that day itself, I had to re-invite again. At least this time, I got a definite "Sorry I'm not coming" reply.

Honest to God, I believed I've tried beyond my comfort zones to close the gap.

But I cannot do this alone.

Why am I so bothered? Because when this person needs help or prayers, he will request for it. Not once but multiple times!

MAN!

I remembered the last time he went on a risky overseas work trip and I was so terribly worried that I prayed so hard till I was shaken in tears. Our church friends was wondering what had happened to me. i was just so worried and wanted him to be protected. That was all.

Thankfully, he returned safely from his trip. During which he said that he felt that he had special protection by the Holy Spirit thanks to the prayers from everyone of us. I said a huge prayer of thanks too upon hearing that. Indeed it was a testimonial of how powerful our prayers can be.

Years later, this friend forgot about the prayers but faulted me for not remembering the dates accurately for his risky assignment.

I was hurt. Very hurt.

I was convinced that when someone don't really like you, they'll pick up the smallest, the most insignificant things about you to be used as bullets against you.

Is there such a need? Between two human beings? Let alone between two believers in God?

Today, after he has made multiple requests for prayers & loaded my inbox with unnecessary information, I am trying to wonder if I'm considered a friend or not.

I feel disgusted to be treated like this, I'm a friend when I'm needed. I'm a nobody or worse a busybody when he needs someone to vent out his frustrations.

This person has created too much negative energy in me. I think it could be time to let him go.

Myths & Misconceptions with Endometriosis

2009-12-08T07:01:00.005+08:00

Wow, I've learnt something new today!!

I've learnt that the myth about Endometriosis only occurs in women in their 30s or 40s is not true! It was due to the fact that in the olden days before laparoscopy was available, large open surgeries were discouraged amongst younger patients. So they only cut up older women, hence, the belief (with surgical "prove") that Endometriosis only occurs in older women!

After the proliferation of laparoscopy, it became convenient to operate on more women of younger ages, more cases of younger women with Endometriosis were identified. Thus showing another myth that an increased in younger women that were affected by it!

What a double wrong!

For the past 12 years, I thought that my body was older than ME. Because I had a condition that was MEANT for older women.

Aiyah, how wrong I was and even MORE so with the gyneas that tells me so!

SEE, we can never never know everything about our body. Even when its our own. Even when doctors study decades to be specialists, they can never be fully in control of an intricately designed body.

So please do NOT believe 100% of what doctors tell you.

And always always have a 2nd opinion!

more information can be found on the Endometriosis.org website

Getting sensitive or getting numbed?

2009-10-28T15:00:00.003+08:00

I cannot figure if the "truth" & facts are finally dawning onto me. Or that I'm still struggling with the "unfairness" of my situation.

There are days when I stopped looking toward building our own family because the chances seems so slim. Its probably easier to strike TOTO first prize then for it to happen.

Then when people asked, teased us about setting up our family. All the emotions of having to tell them surfs to the surface of my emotions. Yes, I still do feel left out. I feel left behind in this world where everyone, almost everyone feels that its natural to set up a family after a few years of marriage. I want to too! I have been wanting that since a young adult before marriage! But it does seems like it wont happen to me.

I feel its soooo unfair, where others take it for granted, while I prayed, worked, spent years with doctors on this and yet, I'm still like on the same spot. Never moved forward a single bit. While others makes it look so easy to just have a family when they want to. *BLEAH*

I feel scared too. I'm scared out of the shit of meself.

I know that God provides. He has provided before and is still providing.

Am I praying for the wrong thing? Or wrong way? Or or or or or or or.....

The million of questions will continue to linger on until we get a clear clear clear clear word from the big guy up there.

Coming to terms

2009-10-13T01:30:00.004+08:00

okay, I just got news that another gf is pregnant. I'm happy for her n hubby. Just a little be disappointed.

Maybe its getting numbed cos the disappointment or shock din last more than 1sec.

Now waiting for the rest of those who are not married to get married and then get pregnant and deliver theirs...
Maybe more fun to guess who will be next!

*bleah*

God, are you listening to me? Am I too quiet to your sweet ears?

A sad sad confirmation

2009-09-16T11:24:00.005+08:00

Last week, I finally went to collect the blood test report for hormonal levels in my blood that would reflect the quantity of viable eggs in my ovary.

Took the test 3 months ago along with the change in gynae. I figured that if the clinic did not call me, there should be no bad news.

I only went back 3 months later to see the gynae again to check if the TCM has worked magic on my adenomyosis condition. Previously, it was almost twice the size of a normal womb. Praying that the TCM that I've been taking every month after my period for the past 3 months has worked magic on my overly large womb stuck with clot blood. I have been seeing much more blood clots being discharge at each of the 3 cycles while I'm on the TCM. A good sign perhaps?

Well, the good news is, my womb did "appear" to be smaller now than before. Not sure if its due the a different part of the cycle that was being measured. Wont the gynae be sensitive to the changes in the size of the womb due to the different part of the menstrual cycle? hmm.... well, he did NOT mentioned if it was related, but showed delight that it did appear smaller on his ultrasound machine. Even asked for the "ingredient" of the TCM that I was taking. I had to assure him that it'll be different for everyone and it is indeed different contents each time I visit them. So how can I act irresponsibly by giving him 1 "recipe" without informing him right?

Ok, here's the crunch.

My blood test results shows that all 3 of the female-responsible hormones are at much higher levels than ladies my age. Which means, my body is OLDER than my real age and its moving towards menopause. A term called peri-menopause!

That explains so many things!

The occasional hot flushes.

The dryness on my skin.

The constant thirst for water.

The unexplainable insomnia.

The constant need to pick myself out of a mild depression.

The forgetfulness.

The lack of enthusiasm.

Doc said that I might need to go into Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT) in a few years if the blood results dun improve to prevent me from having menopause in my mid 30s.

Can you believe that?

I cannot.

Sorry, I simply cannot believe that it is happening to me.

Do you realize what it means to me?

It means that my quest to have a child of our own is now even tougher!

Not only do I likely to not have sufficient good eggs for the rest of my life, the chances of having a miscarriage is so much higher too! Imagine a body that is trying to go into resting state for the womb, if you try to stick an embryo in it, high chances are that the embryo will be rejected! Because the body is saying, I'm going into retirement!

I was near bursting into tears when I left the doc's clinic.

But I had to hang around to wait for the nurse to be available to take blood to check the trends of the hormones from me.

Luckily, there was no space for me to sit in the main area and I hanged around in the corridor alone and trying to silently wipe away my tears as inconspicuously as I can.

Let's try not to forget that this is a gynae clinic. I'm practically surrounded by women who HAVE babies inside them. Looking at their bulging tummies, I felt as if I would never get there. Ever. Not in this life time.

My sis asked me WHY do I want to have children.

I cannot think of anything noble in response.

I just want to be a mother to a child. To experience pregnancy, motherhood. Is that too childish?

I've learnt so many things about children, about how to bring them up, how to care for them through my life. I just want that chance to try it out for myself.

I just want to love a child with all my heart, watch him/her grow, protect him/her, guide him/her, provide life skills. Is that very silly?

I knew that I simply cannot take the train home without the fellow commuters think that I've got crazy. So I jumped into a cab to go home.

There was a brief moment of relieve in the cab when I can feel the Holy Spirit comforting me, saying that its good that I'm aware now. It will save us alot of running around in circles in the future if we were to attempt IVF again. Now at least we know why our first IVF failed so miserably. Its like the blood test answered ALL our questions.

It was the first time I cried screaming in the shower, it was so painful. So hard to accept.

I'm so sad sad sad by the blood test result.

Should I just move on with my life and stop obsessing about being a mother of my own?

A brief stroke of motherhood

2009-09-07T09:00:00.000+08:00

I had the most amazing moment yesterday in church while carrying one of my friend's kid. While we were worshipping, she leaned her soft head onto my cheeks.

That physical connection between us felt so unbelievably amazing. I held her tiny fingers in my hands and we swung to the wondrous music together.

I cannot explain the emotions that jolted through my body but it did felt like I've been touched by a brief stroke of motherhood. Is this how mothers feel like when their little ones lean on them in complete trust?

What a wonderful experience I had, this was the closest I've ever felt to being a real mother to a child. Not forgetting all the diaper duties, milk making sessions that I've had before. If this is the only opportunity that I had with experiencing motherhood, I would not wanna forget this experience for the rest of my life.

hmmmmm.... simply lovely!

Thank you God! For giving me a glimpse of what it felt like, to hold and protect a young soul in my arms, to sing with joy from my heart, to love unconditionally.

Left out yet blessed

2009-09-02T06:38:00.000+08:00

The last two months must have been one of the most exciting yet depressing months in my life.

Exciting because we were in the mist of preparing for a short overseas posting away from home in one of the most lovely neighbourhoods in USA. It was a great time to be there, lovely warm summer weather without the humidity of the tropics. Heavenly blue skies dotted with light fluffy clouds, what more can we ask for?

Yet, on the other hand, every single one of my girl friends who are married are announcing their pregnancies! I got like 5 in 2 months. My my.... my heart was blown away. Far far away. While I was thrilled for my girl friends, some who wanted to start a family for a while. Others never really bothered much to plan and got started anyway. I was also feeling left out. Pretty left out. :(

Thankfully, God has been very kind to me, gave me alot more courage, strength and wisdom this time to understand that its not my time yet. I still gotta do more work before our time comes.

God has also been so generous in his blessings to us that I cannot imagine that we're where we are today. We are indeed so blessed!

Ringing words

2009-07-16T16:49:00.004+08:00

Its such a fine line between sanity and insanity. Have you experienced watching a perfectly normal human who suddenly lost his mind? Well, I have, perhaps on more than 1 occasion. Which comes to mind that I may be next.

After that conversation with my used-to-be-close friend last week, I was very busy trying to fight the inner demons inside me to get myself used to the harsh facts that my time is not here yet. And then the weekend arrived. Dragging my feet, I went out to meet a bunch of close friends whom we have kept in close contact for the past few years and also this used-to-be-close friend.

I was sat at the far end of the table from all the action of conversation which was great cos I was also fighting the Z monster.

Interestingly, their chit-chat content seems to be a repetition of what we chatted during the lunch we had. So I sat to listen to their varied views and kept munching on the desserts on the table. Some jokes were cracked and some time later, we all had to go off to various places and ended the meeting.

A day later, I got a series of nasty messages from this used-to-be-close friend. He had the misunderstanding that I got all our other friends to say the same thing as I did.

*SHOCKED*

Why would I do that?

What would I gain from doing that?

And HOW in the world can I manipulate 5 other adult minds? I'm not really a magician.

I know that the best advice in the world would sound like bad music to hardened ears. But to accuse another person of plotting against you is another matter.

Normally, I vent out these frustrations by asking everyone I know if this could be true, especially for those who were present. But I have also responded that I would not discuss about him to anyone. So I am fighting HARD to keep to my words.

I know that the accusations are false and unfounded. Yet, I cannot help but to hear those words ringing endlessly in my mind. I go to bed with them. I wake up with them.

Its sickening!

I need to drown them out with something more pleasant!

I'm getting it!

2009-07-09T15:09:00.004+08:00

I've been feeling blue and bluer for the past few weeks. I kept wondering why, was it something I ate? Was it hormonal?

The retarded side of me finally caught up with the emotional side of me.

I got like 5 different people asking me about our baby making plans in the past week. All with good and kind intentions. And usually after I answer their question with, "we've been trying for almost 6yrs, I'm medically challenged with endometriosis...." They would usually follow by "how about trying this?...." Which is actually a very elementary methods in comparison with someone who has BEEN trying for almost 6yrs!

Its like asking a cancer patient if surgery/chemo/radio therapy would help them. Dun they realize that the patient themselves WOULD be the most concerned about their situation and therefore would have tried any ways necc.?

Occasionally, there'll be something innovative that comes along, I'm getting magazine cut ups about pregnancy, CHILD RAISING! Like hello!! I'm freaking barren, why in the world do I want to read about raising a child when I cannot even HAVE one??

I realized that all these questions are adding a toll on me, me fragile heart cannot take it.

When I get "asked", I feel as if I have failed as a woman to deliver what is primitively my role on earth. I feel as if I've done something wrong, committed a crime or something. Or as if I've not been doing enough.

If I were to seriously calculate the amount of time I've spend sitting in the clinic waiting for my turn to see the doc, I think it would be enough to take a trip round the world with it. If we want to calculate the amount of $ spent on it, it would be enough to pay for the trip round the world as well.

Was chatting with one used-to-be-close friend and telling him that we're trying alternative methods for trying to conceive naturally. And guess what was his response? "Huh? You are still trying ah?"

Woah, that hurt, really hurt. Like a million knives into my heart. What do you mean "still trying?" We have never stopped wanting our own child mind you! Its ok if you want to lead a care-free life without the burden of children, but me, I love kids, I love to be pregnant with our own kid, love to take care of them and watch them grow. Nurture them and share a life with them. And being a friend who has known me for 12years, I expect alot more than that "Huh? You are still trying ah?"

I'm so tired of been asked this same question.

I have a medical condition that causes terrible pain monthly.

I have a medical condition that makes it so challenging for me to give birth.

Is it not painful enough already? I get reminded every month of my condition, whether I like it or not. Do I need more concerns from people who barely know my pain to dig into the wound more?

I need some creative answers to shut people's mouth once and for all! Anyone with some good suggestions to share? Help me out of this agony!

50th Post here!

2009-07-05T01:22:00.002+08:00

My my, what I thought would be a place where I vent out my frustrating "career" of trying to be a mother has became a place where quite a few passerby readers drop their list of websites and encouraging words. Thank You!

This is going to be the 2nd month where I'm going to try out TCM for my adenomyosis condition. I had wanted to go without pain killers for this cycle to see if there's going to be an increase in menstrual discomforts but too bad, I could not endure the discomforts enough to pull through the day. So I had to pop the pill.

Now I'm wondering if it is because of how my body is responding to the pill that is causing the adenomyosis condition! Because, about 6hrs after I pop the pill, the flow of menstrual blood simply slowed down! And this is supposed to be like the heaviest flow of the period! Strange don't you think?

There's so much to be understood about this condition, this body that I have and I'm learning to take care of it more and more.

For a person with great love for junk food, cold drinks (a liberty from my deprived childhood), snacks, instant noodles. The realization that I've not been taking good care of myself is a huge turn around. Although the changes are going to be tough, they are first need to be changed at the fundamental level. That is in my mind. I have to learn to mentally tell myself to eat more healthily, work out these muscles more too!

A healthy body = a happy body!

Happy thoughts always people... at least for as much as you can!

Adenomyosis = internal blood clots

2009-06-09T21:27:00.004+08:00

TCM said that my adenomysis condition is considered as blood clots in their domain. So he gave me meds to help the body reabsorb the blood back into the system.

Sounds like an interesting approach. Here's the list of meds prescribed. Do Not Take this without any TCM guidance!

What Cuts You Deep?

2009-06-08T02:45:00.004+08:00

I dun think all the pain in the world, all the knives that has cut my tiny body can amount to the pain that hurtful words from family can give me.

It hurts to feel that family dun really care. To reach this state, either I'm really demanding for affection, or I'm disillusioned with only negative thoughts or things are really pretty shitty.

Being me, I chose the latter, makes my unhappiness a little more justified hee.

I remember begging my bro to bring me out when I was little, which only accompanied by his rejections.

I remember sis bringing us to movies during the holidays but always with cousins as well. So it wasn't for me and me alone. We hardly have any conversations at home, age gap, different schedules or simple hatred for me seems to be the constant barrier.

Its not my fault that I'm born the youngest. Its not my fault that my dad feels that its a more complete family with me, so he pressured my mum into having me. If not, I wont be known to this world. And this fact bugged all my other siblings deeply because it possibly made them feel that they are NOT enough for my dad. Was it MY fault?

Its not my fault that my family was really penniless when my siblings were young, things got really much better when I was born. New house, more space for everyone. Seems as if I get to enjoy all the luxuries. I was lucky, very fortunate indeed to be born into the family at such a good timing. But I did not plan for it, neither did I caused all the sufferings before I was born!

I never got a "Happy Birthday sis". I never got a "Merry Christmas sis". I never got a "hey, I thought about you sis" call nor message.

I envy all those other siblings that are so close, they can share their lives together, understand each other's needs, differences, dreams and joke around. I admire the great extent of their love for each other to make changes to their own plans so that they can fit in changes for their siblings. I long for a family that is loving, kind and sharing.

Its like I want to build a strong, beautiful house without a blueprint, without an architect. Its a dream without ladders. I have NO samples to follow after! Plus, the characters that of the family members that I have, its so colorful that its pretty challenging.

Should I even bother at all?

But I dun want to live to regret that I din do my best. *bleah*

Dunno when I stopped wishing/thinking...

2009-06-08T02:16:00.004+08:00

Maybe its just easier not to think about being a real mother to a child. I dunno when I've stopped thinking about it, wishing that it'll happened. All these years of disappointments don't seems to give some good Yes answers. So it feels easier to just stop wishing/thinking/hoping.

Nonetheless, the medical appointments have to follow because I still would like to be healthy.

We did some hardcore research and based on some reviews online + friends, we found another gynea to give a 2nd opinion of my Endometriosis streaked ovary. By the time I described my 4th operation, he was running out of space on his paper and also have a pretty sad look on his face. He was really kind and sympathetic, he asked how I dealt with so many surgeries and told me that it must be tough to be fighting this condition for so long. Its great to have a doc that actually relates to a medical condition that seems so foreign to many and so insignificant to others. I thought I was disillusioned about the pain that I was dealing with. So, it is a BIG deal afterall!

I asked if there was a test of some sort that I can take to determine if I still have viable eggs left in my poor ovary. This question has been boggling on my mind for a really long time. I dun seems to see positive ovulation for a really long time. Doesn't show up on the stick. No sticky pus. No sudden surge in body temperature. In fact, the more I measure, the more warp the temperatures get. Its like someone playing a very painful prank on me! Or my thermometer....

Thankfully there was indeed a test for that! We learnt in Biology class that we girls have a finite number of eggs in our ovary that we are born with. While guys can manufacture millions of new sperms everyday! Aren't they lucky?

Results will be out next week. I really just want some answers. I am tired of waiting endlessly at the waiting rooms of clinics. I'm tired of spending my savings on meds, injections, scans, docs visits. I'm tired of being asked when we'll be having kids. I'm tired of having to face this SAME giant obstacle. I really want to get past it.

If not physically clearing it, at least mentally. I need mental injection of Red Bull, something that will last for a couple of years at least. :D

Apprehension

2009-05-21T09:34:00.003+08:00

Feeling uncertain again.

It used to be YES we really want our own child/children. So we tried and tried and tried. It was a norm to spend weekday afternoons at the clinics waiting for our turn to catch the doc. Hours and hours are "wasted" in the waiting area, along the corridor, getting to & fro the clinic not to mention the tonnes and tonnes of $ spent too. All those kinda went down the drain since no child was formulated out of it.

When western medicine failed us, we turned to TCM. There were some bright moments during the early months of TCM treatments, but for some reasons, the TCM person refused to poke needles in me. Perhaps it was a time constraint or she was not trained in that area, she simply brushed us off each time we spoke about acupuncture. Maybe my body works better slowly instead of rushing things through. After 18months of TCM treatment, there was still no good news and even the TCM person was getting frustrated and you can see that she kinda lost interest in treating me. So I lost interest in going to her as well.

So what's next?

We were offered a few choices:

1. Osteopath who is excellent at treating fertility through back massages, stimulates certain nerves there.

2. Dr Fong who runs his own clinic, started in 2002 as an O&G specialist. Does not mind patients who does TCM treatment.

3. Dr Sheila Loh from Raffles Medical Center who seems (online resources) to be competent and compliments her treatment WITH TCM.

4. Dr. Ann Tan runs her own clinic, has excellent website but is she really that good?

However, a new twist arrived, I think I am sensing enough discomforts with my body to know that the notty, adhesion problem has recurred. So who do we see first? Hmm.....

Its not just about seeing the doctors, but also, am I ready for the whole ball game of waiting, seeing, explaining, paying, facing the faces that will not be able to give me definite answers but "we'll try" approach.

Am I ready for it?

Wanna be my fren?

2009-03-19T15:02:00.004+08:00

Was caught up in a weird situation yesterday. Makes me wonder so hard about me and my ways.

Ok, here's the story:

I came to know a friend's sibling was going overseas, so I asked the sibling (whom I also know, in contact with & my husband's long time neighbour/friend) if it was ok to help me do some shopping to make use of the good exchange rates.

And the sibling said OK, no problems and I was happy.

After the sibling returned, my fren asked me why she was not informed of my request.

Then she went on to say that I was not nice to her sibling previously and does not see why her sibling should be nice to me (by helping me to make the purchases).

She also state that her family are basically very nice folks who will always say yes to other's request. She would like for her family members to be given a chance to say no to me when requests are made through her instead of being direct requests.

Ok fair enough.

So I wanted to make more light of the situation since, I was the not-so-nice person, I better be sure that my hubby's stand is clear as well.

It turns out that if my hubby asks her sibling direct, it would be ok, cos they have been long time neighbours.

So does it mean that if the sibling can say no to her long time neighbour but not to long time neighbour's wife? Or its ok to help a long time neighbour but not the wife?

Maybe there is another way to interpret the situation, but i cannot help but feel hurt and disappointed that the line was drawn so clearly before me.

I cannot even count the numerous things I have done for this friend yet it seems that they do not matter anymore, at least not when her family is concerned.

I grow up listening to my parent's stories of how well they know their friends and friend's families. I yearn for that kind of extended family closeness amongst my friends, but today's society, most folks prefer to keep the two apart (I dunno why). So perhaps alot of assumptions were made on my part and have caused inconveniences to others. I have to learn to stop asking and just stop assuming that close friend's family is also family. When I try to take good care of a friend, it doesnt mean that the family benefit from that.

Best part was when the conversation kinda came to an end, my fren asks if we are still friends after this.

And I worthy of her friendship still?

Pain Pain Go Away

2009-03-17T09:40:00.003+08:00

Once, a doctor told me that pain represent a signal that your body is giving you. That there is something not exactly right, so we have to listen to that "pain signal".

For the past couple of months, there have been this strange set of pain occurring not before, not during but close to the end of my menstral cycle.

I've had all sorts of pain related to my menstral cycle before, those terribly intense ones on the 1st day of the cycle. It feel like there's an excavator digging along the womb, it occurs randomly and when it does, its so intense that you will have to just stop whatever you are doing. The only way to seek relieve from that is to bend down and hug your womb tightly. I can still recall the many times I do that in the corridors of my lab (where there are less people).

Many years of enduring that pain later, I found out that my intestines were attached to an old wound, making it terribly difficult for the intestines to do their job (freely flowing in the abdomen) and therefore causing the intense pain whenever they try to shift away from the wound.

After the operation to separate the intestines from the wound, I did have a few years of peaceful periods.

Now, I just want to curl up in bed for the whole day during the early parts of my period. :(

I am scared... what if the intestines are stuck again? What if the giantmorous cysts r back again? So many what ifs. *bleah*

Myth Busted on Menstrual Cramps

2009-01-22T01:22:00.004+08:00

Have you wondered why it can hurt sooooo much during a girls's menstruation?

Traditionally, you mum would tell you that its normal. But is it really that "normal"?

Let's look at it "scientifically", what happens during menstruation?

1. hormones changes blah blah
2. Blood that lines your womb (aka uterus) in preparation of a pregnancy is being discharged out of your body.
3. Muscles around your womb gotta contract to make the blood come out right?

So why does it hurt?
1. you muscles got sufficient exercise during the month or not?
if not, sure very "rusty" and will complain lor!
2. are you taking supplements to aid this muscular activity?
if not, sure complain lor!
3. are your blood vessels clogged up?
if YES, sure pain lor!

So in TCM view, its all about blood circulation. If you have poor blood circulation, you will have cramps. If your blood circulation really sucks, like in the case of endometriosis (where the blood flows back into the ovary or other organs, does not get discharged out normally) then it would hurt like hell lor!

So that's why endometriosis = painful periods! All because the blood is not being discharged out properly.

Steps that you can do to improve your blood circulation:
1. exercise MORE

2. if u r not the exercise type, go for massages! hee.. it helps! too! not as much... but the shiokness of getting someone to massage you plus the greatest excuse on earth to get it guilt-free...why not right?

3. take supplements to improve blood circulation

4. pilates! just do deep breathing enough liao! cos deep breathing involves heavily on the core muscles which is v closely related to the SAME set of muscles that you'll need for menstruation. (started exploring this option but its painfully EXPENSIVE here in SG *ouch to my wallet*)

5. take bai fong pills before, after menses & before ovulation its been taken by women for decades, cant go that wrong...

6. drink lots of warm and hot beverages during menses, it helps with keep the muscles warm warm for better contraction!

7. take food with alot of fibre so that your digestive tract (small & large intestines that surrounds your muscles needed for contracting to discharge your menstrual blood) works hard to absorb the nutrients from the fibre and give you good bowels!

8. put a hot water bottle or water bag around your waist or lower back to aid the muscle contraction and relief the backaches! It feels so comforting!

9. Rub your tummy regularly even on normal days to promote blood circulation, unblock those blood vessels!

See so many great ways to relieve both the symptoms as well as the cause of it...

Good luck!

Sadness overwhelms again.

2009-01-22T00:57:00.003+08:00

I thought that I have gotten over the fact that the marriage of my close friends are on the rocks.

I have tried several ways and means to give as much help/guidance/assistance etc as far as I can stretch.

It hurts so much to see the crumpling of a marriage, especially with some one whom you are so close to, it felt you a part of you has also died along with the death of their marriage.

Am I being too busy body? hmmm....

Am I getting too emotionally attached to someone else's issues?

Well, there is also another little person whom I'm very attached to who is involved in the marriage, this person has no say to what he wants nor will be able to make a sound decision for himself (without being swayed by food or toys...).

So I'm mourning for the loss of the closeness with this family. The loss of more great moments with these folks. We've had so much fun together and its so hard to say goodbye to them.

7 straight days of Ko Song!

2009-01-09T09:29:00.003+08:00

Ko Song is a malay word for zero.

When you use the digital ovulation test kit by ClearBlue, they show up a nice smiley face for POSITIVE, YES you are ovulating, please start crazy baby-making for the next two days and a giant big Ko Song for negative... try again another day...

What puzzled me was, why 7 straight days?? I kept trying thinking that my temp. is still pretty high, got chance... maybe lack of sleep etc

After 7 tiring, disappointing days... I gave up.

Checked with my TCM and she highlighted that it could be due to the fact that I'm left with only 1 ovary. :( False alarm! cheh!

Wasted my $ on the kit lor!!!

2years on...

2008-12-29T12:28:00.003+08:00

Its been 18months since our failed attempt to conceive artificially in a lab. Over this time, we've heard numerous success stories of IVF, TCM, pills, etc etc

Initially, these happy news kinda dampen our spirits, my hubby being the passive one, would chose to hide his feelings. At times, I would mistake that quietness as a sign of bo-chapness. His subtle display of care and concern can be swept under the blankets of disappointments, pain and unhappiness. At times, I would wish that he could scream or cry out loud along with me, so that I wont feel so alone, as if I'm the only one at battle with our desires.

Then these news became numbed to me. Its just another happy news, I wont let my current failure spoil the joyous mood. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it doesnt. There are times when I wondered how did this happen? I dun smoke, I dun drink excessively, I dun do dangerous stunts and yet others who fulfill all these criteria are popping like rabbits.

Then, I stop wondering and just keep going.... going for regular check ups, going for more TCM sessions. Even the TCM is having trouble flipping through the thick stacks of records, wondering why it is not working, why does this couple keep coming back for more TCM? SIGH.... seems like they also have given up hope on me. me and my lousy reproductive system.

Then I took a closer look at those families with young children. On good days, the kid wake up smiling and greets everyone in the family, laughs alot and went along with what is planned for them. On bad days (which can be pretty often), they say NO to everything that you would like them to do, run away from the bathroom, piss on themselves countless on times, screams at you and everything that moves, jumps up and down on beds, tables, chairs, climbs grilles and do all sorts of dangerous moves at home that can be fatal. And I wonder to myself, do I really really WANT all this??

Hence the comfort sets in that we really do have everything that we need or want within our reach. We ought to be grateful for it. We have the luxury of time and energy now to spend it all on ourselves. So why not use this time to do something that is really fulfilling? Let the others fall into place...

Is that sperm biting?

2008-07-04T16:42:00.002+08:00

There has been so many animations of how sperms "meet" the eggs, how they have to chew their way through to the center of the egg to fuse with the DNA. I can almost imagine a cute sperm boy checking out a gorgeous egg babe when they have their first "date".

This cycle, we did our "homework" according to the prescribed dates by our physician. *shy*

I din think that anything real would happen as I did not see any substantial discharge as vividly described by our physician....

HOWEVER, after our homework, I did feel some sort of "biting" feeling at my left abdomen (where my left ovary is supposed to be)

Does that mean that the sperm took their time to find my egg nest and were nibbling on it? Cos there was like a surround-feel to the tiny needle prick which went away after an hour or so. Does that mean that the sperm dudes got tired of the chewing?

I just wished that I can draw a comic to represent that feeling hee....

does it really happen like that???

I'm filled with so much LOVE!

2008-04-08T03:55:00.002+08:00

Perhaps its the TCM that I'm taking, besides the constant hunger that I feel... I'm feeling on top of the world!

I have so much love to give!

And I feel so happy from the inside! :D

More so because I know that everything comes from God and He will provide endless, boundless love to me, for me and in me. 'Cause love is unlimited!

Do you know that love is the only item that you can keep giving and giving and you will still have MORE to give?

I love you Lord!

Hurting remarks

2008-03-17T10:53:00.002+08:00

I've always been someone who thinks or knows that I understand children, how they behave, how they can be disciplined. And I honestly cannot stand poorly disciplined children, pretty much as it is the responsibilities of the parents, at times I also bring it upon myself to "help" with their disciplining.

Some parents are appreciative of my "actions" as they could be so caught up with many other things and the moment for correcting a child's behaviour has to be done on the spot when they err.

Some parents are not so appreciative and perhaps in their minds their biggest questions is:" Who is this person who is barren trying to tell me what to do with my kids?"

At that point, I bet they must have forgotten that I have grown up with babies, infants, toddlers, pre-schoolers, kindergarden-ers since I was 5years old. I've been to countless of children related camps, volunteered countless of hours at childcare centers and somehow (I cannot identify how) I have developed these "insights" about children which I'm truely dying to test them out on my own kids. (which I'm yet to be able to have which is already painful enough as a daily reminder of the situation, I have to take bitter, gross looking TCM for it)

Maybe it is because I KNOW that those words will come out of someone's mouth one day, some day, and knowing that they WILL hurt, it becomes something that sticks out of a conversation when it DOES come out of someone else's mouth. Am I making sense here? In short, I am looking for those hurting remarks when I should not be or perhaps, exercise restrain whenever I need to in the presence of these unappreciative parents.

It becomes even more hurting when it comes from a sibling, someone who JUST asked me how was our baby making plans just 2 bloody days ago. I cant help but feel angry, resentful and most of all hurt at this insensitive remark. I know there will be more to come and I will have to learn to deal with them, forgive them for saying these hurtful words and perhaps most of all, forgive myself for not being able to fulfill my lifelong dream.

Easier Said than Done

2008-02-16T14:46:00.002+08:00

Does guilt wear you out?

Recently, the topic of guilt was brought into a few conversations and it seems like many have been badly hit by this invisible feeling of incredible pain. It also have the connotation of hiding the feeling of guilt as well. So not only you are feeling guilty about something, you also tend not to want to show it. Interesting eh?

Then it hit me that this guilt thing has also eaten me up quite a few times. I wont say that I'm so totally over it, there are days when it comes back to haunt me.

So what do I do about it?

I tell myself to look forward. To look at all those people whom I want to cherish around me and NOT make that same mistake as I did with the others in the past.

If given the opportunity, I would apologise to those whom I've hurt badly in the past and seek their forgiveness.

I have apologised to quite a few people already and since it was in the past, most have forgotten about the incident also! WHAT a relief!

I know its usually easier said than done especially if you are living in a bottomless pit of guilt daily....

HONESTLY, realistically, there's nothing one can do to change what's being done. So be sincere with your apologies and move on. Literately, kick out all those bad feelings and fill your mind/heart with new, positive ones.

Life is short... enjoy the ride!

Resistance is futile

2008-01-26T22:57:00.000+08:00

i have been resisting the urge to post a blog here as it is usually a not a pretty read. It is also important for me or people like me to be more positive, get on with life and enjoy it with laughter.

(cos my TCM doctor says that for the woman, our hormonal cycle is closely tied in with our emotional status, which means if u r unhappy, ur hormones are unlikely to perform optimally. Which perhaps explains the numerous operations that I have usually occurs AFTER a pretty depressing moment of my life which I perhaps have too cleverly hide it under wraps and pretend that all's well.)

I guess trying to be positive about something you cant let go off is not easy. Especially when you get daily reminders of it.

So I'm going to lift it up to God, to decide what He wants to do with my life. Its in His hands now!

Still Angry on Retrospect

2007-08-10T11:27:00.001+08:00

My doc once commented that I have a body that is 10yrs older than who I really am. Which means that my biological clock is running faster than the actual world time clock. If he's proven right (which I will explain WHY he's most likely right later) does it mean I can go on some Guiness Book of Records?

A decade ago, I lost one of my ovaries to an incompetent surgeon who was only concerned about doing what is probably the "book-correct" way of extracting anything foreign that he sees in the body, without considering the age/sex/consequences/social impact/financial impact on this patient.

With my failed first attempt at IVF, I can most certainly believe that my body clock is ticking away much faster due to the loss of one of the main "youth-generating" machines in my body. Imagine if most people age 1year at a time, I'm doing like 2years in that time. Which means in the last decade, I would have aged another decade.

Which is kinda true based on physical evidence as follows:

1. My skin is constantly dry lacking moisture (which was hardly an issue in the past)

2. Freckles spourt out on my face overnight.

3. Super low in metabolism experienced in an almost overnight fashion, staying up at late nights can take up to a week to overcome.

4. Disrupted sleeping patterns, my mum has been telling me that older folks do not need as much sleep in the night... but they end up feeling tired throughout the day (which is what I feel in the past 2yrs)

5. Ovaries are creating empty shells.

6. Ovaries are also having eggs that are unable to mature to its final stage ready for fertilisation with the sperm (technical term is Metaphase II - learnt it in school, never thought that I'll hear this term again, nor thought that it'll happen to me, maybe I should donate some blood or some ovary tissues for some experimentations)

7. Increased in mood swings, feeling agitated easily. (am I going into premature menopause??)

8. Cuts & bites take a much longer time to heal, they used to go away after 1week & 2 days respectively, now, its like 1month & 2 weeks. (scars from operations, blood tests & mossie bites are living proof)

9. I prefer a quieter time at home rather than going out and basking in crowds (isnt that a sign of aging?)

Are these enough evidence that I am aging faster than I should be? Could all these be simply due to the loss of my ovary a decade ago?

I keep thinking that if I still had my other ovary, the chances of a sucessful IVF would have doubled, because there would be MORE opportunities for 2 ovaries to produce good quality eggs rather than ONE.

yes am angry!

Nope not happening

2007-08-07T08:52:00.000+08:00

It was a pretty steep uphill climb for us during this month of IVF treatment, while we were excited about the possible outcomes of a bigger family, we were also scared of failures.

Especially my hubby, he did not want to have any expectations because he was so afraid of it not happening.

In a way, I took his non-chalent attitude as if he din care much. But his actions showed that he cared very much, in fact much more than myself.

The daily injections was taking a toll on me as I started with taking the injections early in the morning to cater for going to work, however, later on in the program, work became more flexible, I was able to do it at home hence I was just waking up in the morning to inject myself and going back to sleep. My body was really exhausted in a way, I sleep more than 12 hrs a day. (yep resulting in me not being very productive).

The days draw near for the eggs extraction procedure but I was filled with fear rather than excitement. The "performance" of the eggs in my body does not seems to respond well to the hormonal jabs. Hence we did not see many matured eggs in the ovary, due to timing in the cycle for the body, we were forced to extract whatever we could find.

Only to discover that the two biggest looking "eggs" where actually blanks. (aka empty shells). After some digging, my doc found two other less mature eggs and extracted them. There's good chance that they will mature nicely in the lab and be fertilised and develop and be ready to be implanted after 3 days.

3 days came and went. The eggs have yet to be matured.

*sad* *very sad*

Doc say, give it another few more days to mature, if it does, they will fertilised the eggs with the sperm and if it develops sucessfully, then it'll be frozen and wait for my next menstral cycle before they can put it back in.

Doc was trying to cheer us up by telling us that they have a higher success rate for frozen embryos to reach full pregnancy then those that were used fresh.

Hence, we are taking it that its not happening.

However, there is still a chance, a small, tiny, mini chance. If God will bless us. Now.

Not so exciting times

2007-07-30T22:55:00.000+08:00

somehow the excitement of IVF has kinda diminished into the thin air.

What's left is the dread of daily jabs, one in the morning which I give to myself. One in the evening which the nurses will jab me with at my battocks.

These hormonal jabs are also bringing my body into a dis-equilibrium.... getting hot flushes, sleep-less-ness, easily agitated, mood swings, slight depression, mild anxieties and a sense that maybe it might not work.

Guess I'm burdening myself with too many unhappy thoughts. But I'm also feeling tired more then ever!!! I need lots of sleep!!

about 12hrs/day is good hahaha

One of the blood test indicates that I have high antibodies towards my own thyroid glands, which is not very good in many sense. Worse still, they found a tiny lump on the right side of my thyroid gland. Its too tiny now to for us to be worried about it. but its still not a good piece of news. As we cannot discount that slightly higher antibodies as a result of an overdose of seafood 2weeks before the blood test was taken... :(

am worried constantly

Yeah

2007-07-09T17:24:00.001+08:00

Finally!

After 10months of waiting, we are finally going to start IVF treatment. Which starts with 2-3weeks of self injection. Followed by blood tests and 2-3weeks of more injections by the clinic and close monitoring of when the eggs are ready to be harvested. Once the eggs are harvested, they will be cared for in the lab and within 2-3 day's time, they will be fertilised and inserted back into the body!

Such exciting times now!

Adhesions again?

2007-06-25T22:22:00.000+08:00

All has been well after the major op 9months ago.

However, recently, there's some abdominal aches whenever I sneeze. Reminds me of the time when I had adhesion wounds in the same area about 7 years ago.

I'm scared and confused. How can the adhesion occur suddenly 9months post-op? does it take that long to develop a likeness of the healing womb to my intestines/abdominal walls?

someone tell me?

Its been a while

2007-05-28T19:07:00.000+08:00

Yes, since the last posting, alot has happened, including the end of my anti-hormonal injections to stop mentration and to have a "pretend" menopause. Also, 1-3times weekly visits at the clinic totally wore me out.

After my first sign of return of menstration, Prof watched me and my reproductive system very closely, demanding me to be scanned up to 3times a week. Waiting for at least 2hrs at the clinic is not funny, the staff and nurses have become our family since we see them more often then our own mums & dads haha

On the observation of the 2nd cycle of ovulation, Prof keenly calculated rough dates of when the eggs will be released from the ovary and told us to do "homework". So we did. Of course we had to go back to see him AFTER we did our homework... sort of like handing in our assignments haha.

To our disappointment (mini one since we were not really expecting much), the egg was still stuck INSIDE the ovary. Suspect that the ovary walls are too thick for it to come out....

So Prof suggested that he'll give me an injection that will encourage ovulation in 48hrs.... which means MORE "HOMEWORK" haha

To top it off (like buying insurance), Prof suggested that he'll do an Assisted Insemination Procedure (AIP) for short (i think), which means my hubby has to produce his offsprings in a jar, bring it to the clinic (at least 3hrs before I see Prof in the same day) for the clinic to do their sorting (like sorting good sperm from bad, poor swimmers from good swimmers, to maximise our chances).

So that evening, we went back to the clinic for Prof to do AIP. In our scan, it showed that the egg STILL has NOT ovulated OUT of the ovary yet. *sigh* But he say, we'll try AIP anyway, since we've already prepared. Felt like I was going to delivery a baby on the mini-OP-table. Because I had to stick up my legs as in all delivery wards with pregnant women haha. Swiftly, he inserted all of hubby's BEST into me.

We were suppose to do homework for the next day as well, to be extra SAFE haha.... with such a sure win "formula" how to NOT have a baby??

With alot of excitement, we return to the clinic a few days later.... yes, for the WHOLE day, my mind was wondering if this is the DAY..... So did my hubby, but he was trying to be conservative, to avoid being disappointed...

Well, as you can guess, with reading of this blog, there was no good news. Instead, the bloody egg was STILL trying to get OUT of the ovary... Which is NOT a good sign because it could mean that it is developing into a cyst. So Prof say, come back next week, I need to monitor if the cyst gets bigger (which means we've got to do something about it) or smaller (which means good news and wait for the next cycle).

Good thing that the little cyst fellow (or corpus lutuem) disappeared out of our view in our next visit. And Prof say, come back and see me next week....

So we did, somehow, I still did not get my menses during my visit to see Prof, which was strange because my periods are usually very ON time... So he had a mini suspect and told me to take a blood test for pregnancy two days later IF I still do not have my menses....

woah... that two days were such a drag... the anticipation... what if we are REALLY going to be parents??? hee hee hee

in our excitement, we giggle ourselves silly hee....

well well.... it was not any good news, instead the bloody cyst has recurred!!

So Prof had to continue to monitor me.... to see it go up and down... *SIGH*

Seems like the hormones in my brain (mainly the LH) is going haywire, causing the body to respond in the abnormal fashion as well!

So continue to read... the journey of the woman with Endometriosis continues....

Nobody cares

2007-04-12T10:40:00.000+08:00

I feel like shit, like no one cares about me, nobody loves me, I'm going to eat some worms.

Feeling Tremendously Tired

2007-04-03T12:47:00.000+08:00

not sure if its the over-packed weekend, late nights or its the roller coaster of hormones in my system that is rocking the boat so much.

I can sleep 16hrs and still feel tired, gosh, I cannot continue to be a sleeping beauty for the next few weeks to come as I have alot of work lined up ahead.

WAKE UP BODY!

losing sight

2007-03-30T01:01:00.000+08:00

after 6 months of jab, there was a brief period of time when I actually felt that I have long-sightedness!!

I could not see the contents of a receipt close up like I used to, I had to put the receipt further away (about an arm's length) to see it clearly!!

good thing it did not last for long.

strange how much impact one tiny hormone can cause in our body.

can you imagine the damage/effects the other substances can do to our body??

imagine the FOOD that we take in!!

scary and yet fascinating!

Outrage, Waterfall, Ultra SWING

2007-03-26T00:52:00.000+08:00

woah, this weekend was scary, the swing of mood that was beyond my control was at full blown sia!

i got really agitated with a friend who took his GP brother's words for no cure for his eardrums condition and left things as it is for a month (which was not very long) but I dunno why i was so impatient with him. I guess historically, with this chap, there's always being alot of miscommunications. So it gets really tough to talk him around, that frustrates me even more haha

then i had a mega crying session, like for 1hr. over nothing really serious.

And I blew up during a discussion with fellow friends... over some organisational issues.

sian liao lor

Calm seas and rocky shores

2007-03-11T22:26:00.000+08:00

I was expecting things to get rocky much earlier after my last jab. But things were calm and except for lots of hot flushes, everything was cool.

These last few days has been terribly RocKY!

It started with me having a re-newed drive towards my project and I was pushing real hard how to complete different segments of it as quickly as I can within the week so that I can use my weekends more fruitfully.

On tues, I had night class, so I had to stay back "extra-time" which was really bad because there was not dinner until 10pm. Came back home to a medium RaRe steak was great but not exactly my kinda of dinner after a long day, I would have preferred a medium-well.

Wednesday was a terribly hectic day and I was stuck with some work which i could not complete, my best bet was to bring it home for my hubby to help me with it. With no lunch, I got home around 620pm, I took a nap, by 8pm when I woke up, I was already having a fever, flu, stomach upset. I felt naseous through the night but had to help hubby with the work, I struggled on till 11pm and couldn't not last anymore.... I went to bed thinking that I can sleep it off.

As I lay on my bed, the feeling of vomitting kept coming back, so finally I vomitted, everything in the last few hours came out, mostly just liquids. It felt so much better but also more sick.

Next day, I went into the lab after lunch to finish the work that I had started, and brought home more work for hubby haha (nope he wasnt very inpressed with his "homework")

I continued to work and feel sick. It was through alot of mental struggle to keep focus on work and nothing else. Dun think about the flu or the discomfort dun let the bug get to me.

I was relieved that Friday came and it meant a weekend of rest. However I didn't need the rest much, I could stay up to watch movies and dramas cool.

Sat I got up bright and early went out for breakfast and spent a day out... that's when I start cracking up. I was incontrollably happy! I was cracking jokes on hubby, teasing him with senseless stuff which I know is terribly horrendous. I kept asking him what was wrong with me and he remained silent haha

Thereafter, I was extremely sensitive to the most minute stuff. An sms, a call, a comment I just snapped! I was simply terrible! I kept snapping at my own hubby.

pray that it'll end soon man!

Feeling the heat

2007-02-16T09:51:00.000+08:00

After my last jab, doc say the longer I dun get menses the better, it means the effects of the jab is able to last longer, meaning more effective in defeating the evil endometriosis condition.

Since then, I've been having HOT Flushes daily even hourly. This incredibly warm feeling comes and goes at its will, causing me to feel immensely hot for a few mins and having to yank off my fleece jacket in my chilly lab and then a few mins later, when the flushes disappear, I have to slip the fleece back on again! so troublesome.

And yes, I'm getting alot more snappy too! :( poor hubby, he's suffering the "effects" of the jab besides myself.

Hopefully all this will go away in a few months, the dilemma, you dun want it to go away very very soon because you hope that the effects of the drugs stay on making it more effective towards the condition, but you dun really enjoy its stay because of the disruption to my life. hmm...

Also, I feel so out of the norm with myself, I'm having thoughts and mindset of perhaps what I would be in another 30yrs time! The menopausal me wont be fun-loving, cheerful and outgoing I can tell.

I've "evolved" in this time to become someone I dun really recognise, I cannot relate words to my feelings, mind goes blank and have absolutely no idea why I'm standing in the kitchen or going towards the study. Its definitely not fun nor funny, if all women lives like that after 50, what's the meaning to it all?

I sense that my thoughts are more centered about myself and me only, I have to forcefully get my mind OFF myself and distract myself. Its a tough and tedious process and I wonder how long can one do that, especially when you ARE actually 50-60yrs old, surrounded by grouchy oldies who only grumble and lament about the negativities. Got 20yrs to plan how to prevent that from happening to me haha

My Anxieties have their own Anxieties

2007-02-09T09:04:00.000+08:00

This phrase was from a famous comic strip by Charles Schulz, Peanuts Comics, said by Charlie Brown one of those times when he faces of a mountain of anxieties.

It sounded funny when I first read it in the comic strip, however on further thoughts, it made sense.

Especially when certain words or situation keeps ringing in my head.

It almost drove me nuts yesterday afternoon while I was trying hard to concentrate on getting some of my work done, there's this one sentence which my hubby commented on which kept ringing in my head!

I had to fight with myself conscieniously to drive that thought out of my mind. I just simply kept worrying!

Man, I'm glad I just had my last jab.

Hopefully all this weird feelings of me NOT being me will go away real soon!

Paradigm shift

2007-02-03T10:23:00.000+08:00

My thought pattens have changed since the jabs started. I'm more inclined to feel sympathetic than anger. I would rather stay home to have a quiet evening then to pack the day full of activities moving from one party to another.

The reactions that I have to the same incidents that occur today and a few months ago will generate totally opposite reactions.

Strange huh?

Super energetic and then super tired

2007-02-03T00:54:00.000+08:00

Woah the past two weeks have been interesting.

for 5 days, i lay awake in the middle of the night, often catching less than 4hrs of sleep and I would last about 5days being super energetic and accumulate huge eye bags.

then for the next two days, I was so tired that I can sleep and sleep and sleep. instead of a 24hr body clock, it seems to have stretch to a week!

so weird...

Waking up to Hot Flushes

2007-02-01T09:27:00.000+08:00

hmm, not sure if its the insomonia that keeps me awake at night or the hot flushes through my body that wakes me up.

Nonetheless, after one night of good good sleep, the next night have my eyes wide awake at 5am!

Was so awake that I started cleaning the kitchen haha, it was something that I wanted to do but din pull up enough "energy", ended up scrubbing a wok cover for over 10mins to get the grime out haha

If it carries on like this, I can take on another job and still wont feel sleepy.

Might be a good thing also, the 2nd job can contribute towards the $ that I'll need to spend on repairing the bags under my eyes....

Was so high that I was jumping up & down in Robinsons

2007-01-29T09:18:00.000+08:00

*tsk* *tsk*

I feel so "shameful" of my own "child-like" actions as a result of my hormonal adjustment in the body. Yes imagine a grown woman of 32 yrs old, jumping up and down in excitement in a departmental store! I was HYPER!

I simply cannot control my excitement nor my hyper-activeness. There were a zillion energy bubbles running through my body yesterday afternoon telling me that everything is so "fun" & "exciting". I do not know what sparked it off at such peaks, if I was alone without a limit on my credit card, I think I would have to file for bankruptcy soon. The amount of things that I want to bring home without a hesitation or second thoughts are like EVERYthing in the store! I had to consciously tell myself to ConTrol!

I think its a good idea to stay OUT of the stores for a long long time to come.... or at least till my next jab on monday.

Not sure if its also because I stopped taking the TCM for 3days (since friday) and the combination of "reduced" TCM and accumulated hormonal jab in the body that is causing this super High syndrome.

Maybe I should be in another country at this time of the month, so that whatever embrassing behaviour would NOT be categorised into the little black books and the chances of being recognised is reduced to the minimal! haha

Insomania for 1 week

2007-01-26T10:59:00.000+08:00

Yes, some days, I'm like a walking zombie, because I would simply lie in bed AWAKE!

I tried to go to bed later so that I can be really really tired before i go to bed, nope doesnt work.

I tried to go to bed earlier so that I can be asleep longer, doesnt work.

There are nights when I have a hard time falling asleep.

There are nights when I wake up in the middle of the night and takes 1-3hrs to fall back asleep by then, its almost time to WAKE UP!

There are nights when I get a combination of Both!

Last night was the worse, went to bed at 1am thinking that I would be super tired, but I was simply tossing and turning on the bed! Instead, I was up till about 3 or 4am before I finally drifted into sleep and then I woke up again! took me a while before I finally went to sleep but it was barely sufficient rest! So instead of taking bus/train to work, I had to catch a cab so that I can get an extra hr of rest on the bed.

*boo* *hoo* *hoo*

I'm hoping that this phenomena is not a result of my TCM attempt at reducing the "side-effects" of the anti-hormonal jab. Since I've been taking that med for 3weeks now. So I'm going to stop the chinese herbal med and see if I can sleep better for the next few days.

God Bless ME!

TMC to reduce side effects

2007-01-19T09:12:00.000+08:00

Treating endometriosis with western medication usually involve a two-step approach, surgery to remove as much of the diseased tissues as possible followed by anti-hormonal injections to stop menstration, a stimulation of menopause, a resting state for the system.

With the injections, the side effects are many, some of them getting under skin at times, especially when I'm dead tired and lie on the bed wondering when will I fall asleep! Or when I can feel a sudden rush of emotions, gushing through my body, telling me to scream! Or when someone asks me "how am I doing?" I break down in tears and cry!

Finally, with some encouragement, I went to seek alternate medication, not just for the hope of getting pregnant, but more so for building up my body, to be strong again.

The practioner at Eu Yen Sang's specialist branch on gyneacology was very sympathetic of my condition, she could not stop scribbling my long medical history, filling up almost the whole entire blank page. At the same time, she shared that there were many women in their menopausal state that experienced the same side effects as I did! ha ha ha

So she prescribed me some chinese medication that I've to take 3times a day, pour the powder in some warm water, mix well and drink. Its tough to keep up with this routine as oppose to the simipler pill popping methods, but it does seems to have its merits!

I can sleep better, control my mood/temper a little better. but the backaches are still terrible. oh well, we'll take it one step at a time.

I am menopausing

2007-01-10T13:34:00.000+08:00

I finally realised that whatever I am experiencing now is similar to what menopausal women experience!

I can hardly believe that I am going through menopause. its an horrible experience but thank God I know it will come to an end in 6months, what about those women who are undergoing menopause? How long do they suffer for? poor souls

I have mood swings, water retention, often thirsty, insominia, dry skin, frequent loss of memory (absent mindedness?), backaches, lethagy, and I cannot remember what else.

Most shocking info was loss of memory! Because, Ad was asking me about dining somewhere with someone and I totally cannot remember!

After this experience, I am alot more sympathetic towards those who are experiencing menopause now.

Please know that you are NOT at fault for being different, difficult, confused, lost most of the time. It the changes in your body that you are trying to get use to.

But it will be YOUR fault if you vent your anger, frustrations, discomforts on others though.

There are many ways to ease some of these symtops, be it taking lots of supplements, hormonal replacement therapy, alternative medicine like acupuncture or massages. Do it!

Do not take it for granted that your life will be miserable for the rest of your time.

Take charge and WANT to get better, be happier!

It will take ALOT of self control to stay positive, stay focused on being healthy and happy. But you can do it!

(can you tell that i'm on the happy side of my mood? ha ha ha)

I keep battering myself

2007-01-09T11:41:00.000+08:00

I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough. that whatever I did was not good enough.

That's been happening for months already.

I have a report sitting on my lap for over 6mths, I'm a perfectionist and also a procrastinator. I cannot submit whatever I have because I dun think its good enough, the longer it sits on my lap, the more I think I'm not good enough.

I need to learn how to love myself and encourage myself.

Women should give themselves more credit that they deserve!

I feel ARGHHH

2007-01-05T13:35:00.000+08:00

There a million energy bubbles trying to burst out of me. I am so restless, I have something that I want to complete but am unable to fully do so because of my lack of knowledge and skill at completing it. The time taken to be fully train to master the art of completion is making me feel ARGHH!!

How do I sit still and focus?

Help!

Increasing intensities of frustrations

2007-01-04T09:14:00.000+08:00

Last week, there was this night when I felt extreme frustration over nothing!

There was so much pent up anger and a million bubbles trying to jump out of my skin that I could not fall asleep. I knew that if I were to vent my anger or frustration at my hubby, it would be extremely unfair, so I forced myself to go to bed.

The feeling of discomfort emotionally started in the evening when I had to rush to a few places before heading home to get food into my stomache. When I got home, food was not ready as promised by my hubby, instead, he only came back after 9pm. I wanted to go to bed early but because of the late dinner, I could not be sleeping at 10pm that night. (I was feeling abit agitated by not being able to carry out my plan of having an early night)

Over dinner, we caught part of a reality show in the final episode, just before the announcement of the results, during the commercial break, my hubby asked me to find something for him in the study. We searched for a long time and could not find it, and i missed the results of the show. I was really really pissed!!

I slammed my mobile phone onto the table, thankfully over a stack of newspapers to soften its landing and I knew I would go into a fit if I were to talk anymore to anyone. There was simply too much anger & frustrations inside me.

This was not the only incident when I feel like I'm not myself. I become alot more self-centered. I used to be alot more caring about others and able to put others' interest before mine, but now, I often think of myself first. Feeling injustified that others do not think likewise.

I am just shock at how much effects this tiny thing called hormones can have on my body. Besides just stopping menstration, it is turning me around emotionally and creating a different me that I do not personally like.

I hope I can survive through the next two months without further hassle.....

just two more jabs to go....

UPs and downzz

2006-12-04T17:36:00.000+08:00

The 3rd injection has been bringing some pretty scary feelings... the down feelings are so strong that you can almost believe that its true... that you wanna just jump off somewhere and die.

Even the numbness in the right tigh is strangely worrying.... there are times when it hurts, especially when i'm in motion... do I have to warm up the muscles before a short sprint to catch the bus??

When I'm feeling "UP", I'm just happy! ha ha ha... i think like now.....

sigh.... two weeks of UP, two weeks of DOWN, the emotional Yo-Yo hsa started... and worse... like a Yo-Yo that is being upgraded.... the strings are getting longer, the UPs are getting Higher...the Downs are going Lower....

Hot and Sweaty LOTS

2006-11-21T14:12:00.000+08:00

I'm having lots of hot flushes from the anti-hormonal jab that I've been taking for the past 3months.

It has also caused numbness to my tighs with lots of tangling sensation, which took us 3months to nail down.

my mood is swinging up and down like crazy. I cannot seems to control my mind, my mouth or even my thoughts.

HELP!

Shock and disbelief

2006-10-17T17:55:00.000+08:00

What would you do if you were expecting a 1-2hr surgery but ended up being operated upon for 5hours?

Shock and disbelief?

I had 3 endometriotic cyst in my ovary. They were growing inside each other, one big one has a medium one inside it while the medium one has a small one inside it. All these were INSIDE the ovary. My surgeon had to slowly peel out each layer and reconstruct back the ovary after draining out the endometriotic blood inside through a key hole surgery.

He also discovered the reason why I'm feeling so much abdominal pain during my mentration on my right abdomen. It was because the fallopian tube was also filled with endometriotic blood and it was adhering to the underlying skin of the abdomen, instead of being a free floating tube. Each time there are strong abdominal movements for mentral contractions, instead of being able to have free-flowing muscular contractions, the tube tags hard at my abdominal walls making it extremely painful.

Even my uterus had problems, there were polyps filling it up which he had to clean out, the menstral blood was also eating INTO the uterus walls swelling it into unnatural size. My surgeon removed part of the swollen uterus and reconstructed it back into an appropriate size and shape.

All these done through key-hole surgery aka laproscopy.

Besides great admiration for his skills, I'm very grateful towards him for saving me. Giving me the ability to even dream of one day having our own children.

But I was truly shocked at the extend of damages inside my own body which i've failed to protect and keep in good condition.

I was wondering if the recent mood swings were a result of the immense amount of menstral blood inside me? Or was it because i was grieving so much about my dad that caused so much damages to my system?

I would never know.

The night before the op....

2006-10-17T17:48:00.000+08:00

I've been told to sleep early.....  Because in a few hours time, I'll be checking into a 5* hospital to do my 5th surgery in 9years.  When I knew about the recurring condition 5yrs ago, I asked myself if there was anything to fear about the operation and the answer in my head was NO. So when I readily told my gynea that I'll do the op again for the 4th time in 2001, I really thought that it was no big deal.  How wrong I was.......  The coldness of the operating theatre was fought off by piling 4 layers of blanket on myself. But the desire to sleep forever from the operation was hardest to struggle through. I recall pulling away from waking up. Maybe it was because my body knew that the recovery process was going to be really really really painful........  oh yes, painful.......  imagine a hard file across your abdomen, walk with it, sleep with it. you are practically immobilized.  yep, you can bet that i kinda scolded myself for undermining the PAIN from the surgery.  So well, now that I've to face it for the 5th time. What do I do??   There are quite a lot of pitfalls leh....  My counter-action. Dun think about it.  Not at all.  Just Do It.  Why do you think i'm still up at 5am.  My strategy is to starve my body of so much sleep that I'll just knock out anyway on the bed tomorrow ha ha ha.... go into it with a zombie state of mind, it'll numb all anxieties and sense for fear and pain! 

Feeling the tag...

2006-10-17T17:40:00.000+08:00

A week before my gynea's diagnosis of endometriosis, I had a wave of mood swing.

I had only a few moments of negative thoughts and it was enough to blind me to say nasty things to my husband. Thankfully, he is made a stronger man than anyone else I know. He assured me and threw my negative thoughts out of the window in a flash.

What shocked me was how quickly my mood was changed from happy to sad to disbelieving.

I could acknowledge and attribute them to hormonal changes in my body. But how many others can?

So women folk out there, if you have a sudden change of mind, thoughts, mood, take a deep breath, take a look at pictures of the loved ones whom you have doubts of to remind yourself that its just the hormonal changes that swings you.

Do not take any action which you may regret later on.

After the surgery, I felt completely lifted! I was in good mood and kept to good resting routine to recover. But when I had to take anti-hormonal injections after the op to further surppress the endometriosis condition, the mood tags came back....

"Women got to suffer"

2006-10-07T03:52:00.000+08:00

Middle of this year was a really sad time of the year for me and my family as we lost my dad during a trip which he took with mum and sis. It happened so suddenly that it took our family by storm. As he passed away overseas, we had to fly over to process the legal works to bring his body back home and delayed his wake and funeral. It was a prolong period of being deprived of good quality sleep, coupled with the stress of managing the various aspects of a funeral including close monitoring of mum's healthy and mood. After resting for almost a week after dad's funeral, we were faced with legal matters of settling dad's will and estate taxation. Problems of resolving difference and opinions amongst the siblings, making arrangements for mum's permanent lodging and financing all the cost of the funeral and estate tax weighed heavily on my mind. I have sleepless nights or nights when I cry myself to sleep. I have poor appetite and often cry endlessly over nothing. My mind was in a turmoil at the sudden change of events. I was challenged to grieve for a loved one for the first time in my life.

It was tough.

I felt as if I'm in a depression. Thankfully, I have a fantastic support network of friends who would call me and just talk to me to distract me from my negative mindset. They took me out and gave me light to the other aspect of my life which I was not thinking as much of.

I quickly slipped out of depressive thoughts, however, I was still grieving deeply for the loss.

In late august, when I have picked up most of my broken pieces, I was due for another checkup and my gynea deduced that the cyst around my ovary is not of "friendly" nature. Its endometriosis!

OMG!

I never expected him to say that E word! All along I had the impression that each time the cyst was like a potential egg trying to burst out of my ovary and yes... It always seems to be in the bursting stage, perhaps the ovary walls are abit thicker and the eggs have a harder time to leave the ovary. I never imagined that I have to undergo the knife.

I knew that it was inevitable to undergo surgery to eradicate these blood clots in the ovary, but it felt like I've been hit again by a storm, the cost of surgery and time away from work would weigh me down even further now.

Just as my emotions were sliding down the deep dark hole.... One of the nurses commented that "women got to suffer".

The sense of sadness and self-pity was overwhelming. Is it not terrible enough for me to lose my dad? Now, I'm entering another black hole of the E condition. The pain of the surgery, the discomforts, the slow recovery process, it felt like another 100pounds of weight have been strapped across my shoulders, making me drag my feet harder across the path that I'm taking.

Yes, I burst out crying on the spot.

9 yrs on

2006-10-04T01:24:00.000+08:00

After 3 operations on endometriosis and one on adhesion arising from the first reckless operation in garman hospital, I feel as if I'm back to square one again when I was diagnosed with endometriosis again after 9yrs of semi-freedom.

With continuous monitoring with my gynea, I thought that I'll be in great shape to start a family, now that we're more matured, married and settled with our lives.... but the truth evades me....

In those 9 years, I was not warned of the side effects of the post-operation treatment to endometriosis by anti-hormonal injections to totally eradicate the condition. In the months following the injections, I felt a strange sense of warm on my back, heating my whole back even in a cold cold shopping mall when I felt cold a few seconds ago. I have really bad moods when I would just flare up at the slightest remark or unhappy thought. I thought that I was a freak.... Over the months of treatment, with the constant mood swing, many of my friends cannot understand my frequent irrational behaviour, neither can I. The worst victim to my frequent mood swings was my boyfriend then. He took blame for why all thing did not happen the way they were "suppose" to. He became my bean bag for my anger and frustrations which I cannot seems to explain. It took him a few months before he realised that he's unable to be with me anymore and he left.

I was devasted and headed downwards into a depression. I would not leave home and just kept to myself. By then, I had too few friends to even notice that I was in such a fix.

Thankfully, one friend did not give up on me. He heard about my condition, sympathsized with my situation and became my listening ear. Through God's grace, he was constantly listening and kept calling me to keep me in check. Soon, my anti-hormonal injections stopped and the side effects were gone and I was able to be myself again.

It took me quite a few years to recover from the irrational behavior that I displayed, often I wonder if that was the real me? Or was there some other force influcencing my thoughts, my actions and my response to the daily lives around me.

Now I understand that that was not me, my normal rational behaviour, instead, my body was adjusting to the hormonal changes and somehow somewhere inside, it got wired into a furious, angry, unreasonable me.

With this new found knowledge, I can better manage my mood swings and give those around me some form of "warning" if it occurs again.

Even then, there will be occasions when I lose control of my emotions and allow my thoughts to spiral downwards.

Once, my husband, a friend and I were to pick up something from a hotel, one men went towards the reception to do the pick up, while the other went to the washroom. It was peak hour outside the hotel drive through, I had to put up a strong front to keep our vehicle at the front yard, waiting for the two men. At the same time, I was also in need to visit the restroom, while waiting, I decided that my husband would come back soon for me to run to the restroom, hopefully the guards would not kick us out of the lot... But the two guys took a really long time to return to the car, in those 10mins or so, my mind went from calmly waiting, to wondering what is taking my husband so long, to thinking that my husband would rather spend time with his friend in the hotel lobby then with me in the car waiting, to seriously thinking that my husband WANTS to spend time with his friend OVER me and giving myself reasons to be angry with him.

Yes, in those few short mins, I was furious when the two men returned, I refused to talk to them and even thought of leaving my husband. My mind was mentally blocked from reason or rationality.

After 30mins or so, I was distracted by dinner preparations and I was able to let go of the negative thoughts again and feel bad about thinking that way about my husband. Thankfully, my husband is a very understanding person and he was warned way in advance that I have bad mood swings, he was able to convince me that the negative thoughts in my mind was false.

What scares me is that my mood and mind can play such deadly tricks to me in such short time frame. Its scary how a few short moments can change our lives forever if the wrong decision or words or actions were applied.

Never did I suspect that this was the begining of another episode of endometriosis that is growing inside me, messing up my system....

Life with One ovary...

2006-09-29T12:35:00.000+08:00

Besides removing my right ovary, the surgeon also told me that my left ovary is also severely threatened by endometriotic cyst. He strongly advised for me to seek a specialist's help. The hospital arranged an appointment for me with KK hospital which is available only one month later....

My dad felt that he has enough with the government hospitals, since I only have one ovary left, we better take all the pre-cautions that we can. We asked for a recommendation for a private gynea and they gave one residing in Mt E. Hospital. One week following my first surgery, I got an appointment to see this recommended private gynea and he was such a disappointment!

He was a gynea in his fifties or so, very set in his ways, he did an ultrasound scan on my abdomen area and claimed that he did not see any cyst around my only remaining ovary. Casually, he asked what's the big commotion about, we explained to him that the surgeons in the garmen hospital saw cysts!! And they said its better to be removed surgically asap! So this uncle said he did not see anything....

Next, he asked how old am I, I told him, 22, he said, got boyfriend or not? Have. Get married and have children, then the endometriosis will go away.

True enough, a pregnancy is so far the best known method to combat endometriosis.

But for a young woman at 22, still in the middle of university? with a boyfriend of barely 1yr? It sounds to me its a sure formula for disaster! Endometriosis may be treated, but a broken family?

I protested to his ridiculous "solution" to my conditon and he casually prescribed 6 months of contraceptive pills to prevent menstration and asked me to return 6 months later for another checkup.

Imagine that I just lost an ovary due to an erupted cyst.... can I just leave the other cyst on my only remaining ovary to just contraceptive pills? And a checkup 6 month later?????

I cannot believe that even the private sector physician can be so irresponsible and so unassuring to their patients.

Thankfully, I was persuaded to seek a second opinion from another gyneacologist who came highly recommended by a personal friend.

I discussed it with my parents and we decided to go for it, we made an appointment to see him within the 3rd week from my first operation.

He could see the cyst through his ultrasound examination and with an assuring smile, he suggested an operation to remove the cyst. We could only agree with his suggestion as it sounds more effective than taking contraceptive pills for 6 months and hope that it will magically go away.

In 4 weeks I went for 2 operations, the second one was a laproscopy, key-hole surgery.

Prof Chen (my gynea), taped the operation procedure and he showed me the extensive injuries that was done by the garmen hospital, not only did they remove the cyst and my ovary, they also made a mess of my internal parts, leaving behind some of the cysts and ovarian tissues inside ME. Thankfully, Prof Chen was very skillful and was able to clean up my internal parts to prevent further issues.

I cannot imagine what can happen if we just left things as suggested by the first gynea....contraceptive pills?

Why are the first surgeons so irresponsible? They left bits and pieces of decaying flesh, cyst INside ME!

I was still confused and lost as to what am I going to do, how am I going on with my life with one ovary, does it mean that I'm going to have trouble starting a family?

Shock at 22

2006-09-28T11:57:00.000+08:00

I was a young lady attending my 2nd year of university. My life was full of promises, surprises and I had alot of dreams. To pursue a biological sciences degree with a minor in chemistry so that my career options would be boundless and a great assurance to my parents that I will definitely do well in life.

On the 16th of Feb, after a game of bowling and lunch with some friends, I headed home for some rest as I was having some abdominal discomforts. The pain got worse even after I tried to sleep it off, that was when I knew that I have to see a doctor about it, I cannot take the pain any longer.

At my request, my mum and brother took me to a nearby government hospital and have them check me up. At the A&E, I waited for almost an hour before I was wheeled into the small clinic area for the first preliminary check up. By then, I was speechless in pain, for a person with very high threshold for pain, this pain was way ABOVE my threshold.

The nurse checked that I had no fever, no other issues besides the severe abdominal pain and I was ordered to do an X-ray. So I got onto a bed, got wheeled around to the Radiology department and got zapped. The xray came back normal, they could not determine what's the cause for the severe discomforts. So they sent me up to the ward to rest for observations. There a medical officer ie those practising doctor, who many not have actually gotton their medical certification to BE a doctor yet came up to examine me. He poke around my abdomen and it was ok for most areas except for ONE spot on the right side of the lower abdomen.

He poked two fingers down on the same spot AGAIN, this time with MORe strength, held his fingers there for two seconds and released the pressure suddenly! The pain that it incurred nearly made me leap out of the bed, I was almost folded in half!
By this time, I was in severe pain for 3hrs with no painkillers and no doctor could tell me what's wrong with me. The blood test results will take a while to return to verify if it was the famous appendicitis condition that they suspect but yet with NO fever, NO obivious signs on the xrays either. Just one spot that hurts.......

At 1am, a young surgeon came to my bedside, told me and my family that they suspect that my pain is from an inflamed appendix and they recommend to remove my appendix as a routine procedure. Feeling assured, my family left me as I got wheeled into the surgery theatre.....

I went into the theatre thinking that it was something small and insignificant, the pain was too extreme for fear to set in, in addition, after 12hrs of starvation, there was little energy in me to protest or enquire....

I remember feeling extremely COLD after the surgery and felt like the world was so weird, my stomach was turning and turning.... then the same young surgeon came to my bedside and wake me up from my semi-conscienceness to tell me that my appendix was fine!

HUH?

The next few sentences that came out of him was quite tough to understand or comprehand, bascially he told me that there was a blood cyst in my right ovary which burst and to rescue ME, he had to remove the entire right ovary!

HUH??

This guy took out my ovary! Without my permission, without having a specialist to even come down to take a look at me!

I was angry and confused but was also extremely weak and sadden by his bad news.